


Breaking Point

by mean_whale



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Chance Meetings, Crying, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Drinking, Drunk Sex, Drunken Confessions, Dubious Consent, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, First Kiss, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Foot Massage, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Insecurity, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Character Injury, Men Crying, Multiple Orgasms, Multiple Partners, Overstimulation, Painful Sex, Permanent Injury, Smoking, Tongue Piercings, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, mentions of vomit, weight loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-13 04:53:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 31,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15356679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale
Summary: Exactly a year after Kuroo injured himself, well over six months after Bokuto and Kuroo drifted apart, they bump into each other at a party. Is it too late for them to reconnect?





	1. Breaking Point

_“At least I can now focus on my studies,” Kuroo said, tears brimming in his eyes. “I won't have volleyball distracting me.”_

_“You could start coaching,” Bokuto suggested, his own eyes tearing up too. “You don't have to quit completely.”_

_“I guess so,” Kuroo said and sniffled, tears now streaming down his already wet cheeks. “This isn't the end of the world.”_

_But Bokuto could hear it in his voice, the pain of knowing that it was the end of something meaningful that had been a part of his life for so long it had become an integral part of his person. The Kuroo who was sitting on his bed with his knee bandaged up was not the same Kuroo he had been just the previous day. Bokuto wanted to wipe away his tears and kiss him until they were both calmer, but this was not the time for big confessions. Kuroo didn't need a second massive change in his life. Bokuto did, however, place a hand over Kuroo's own, and even though Kuroo was sobbing, he still managed to smile._

*

It had been exactly a year before Bokuto allowed himself to stop and think about it. He was lying in his bed on his stomach, pillow soft against his cheek, quickly getting drenched with tears. It had happened soon after Kuroo started his first semester in uni. Bokuto had never found out exactly what happened, he just knew that Kuroo texted him the name of the hospital and asked him to come pick him up. He had been shocked to find Kuroo in a wheelchair with his left leg propped up to keep his knee straight. Kuroo never said what it was, and Bokuto didn't really need to know either. The only detail that mattered was that Kuroo's volleyball career was permanently over.

Kuroo stayed with him that night, taking painkillers every few hours and crying silently. He didn't know what to say to make it better. Maybe there was nothing that could make it better. Kuroo was a shadow of his former self and it scared him.

Now he thought about all the things he had wanted to say. He had wanted to ask Kuroo to move in with him, but before he could, Kuroo had told him that he needed some space, especially because Bokuto's life was dominated by volleyball. It made sense, although it was killing him every day to know that he could cause Kuroo such pain just by being himself. He called Kuroo regularly, making sure to never mention volleyball, but it was difficult to talk about his life without mentioning it. He had never felt so awkward around his best friend, and eventually he stopped calling, hoping that Kuroo would reach out when it felt better.

He wished that he had confessed back when he first realised that his feelings were more than friendship. He wished that he had confessed when Kuroo was crying in bed, knee in bandages and dark bags under his eyes. Maybe they wouldn't have drifted apart if he had, maybe seeing Kuroo's name on his phone wouldn't make his heart twist so uncomfortably. He missed Kuroo so much it physically hurt him, yet he didn't know if he was allowed to reach out to him. Kuroo had asked for space, to forget about volleyball. Didn't it mean that Bokuto could never be a part of Kuroo's life again?

He suddenly realised that it had never been Kuroo contacting him, it was always him contacting Kuroo. After he stopped, it was no wonder Kuroo didn't stay in touch. Kuroo hadn't wanted to all along.

His thoughts were interrupted by his phone, the ring penetrating the air sharply, and his heart skipped a beat. He had been thinking about Kuroo, could it be that Kuroo was now calling him? His hand was shaking as he reached for his phone, and his heart sank when he saw Suga’s name on the screen. He contemplated not answering at all, but he had already spent a good chunk of the day depressed over Kuroo. It was time to move on.

“Hey,” he said, attempting a smile.

“Is something wrong?” Suga asked immediately. “You sound awful.”

“I was napping,” Bokuto said, hoping that it would be easier to deceive Suga over the phone than it was in person. “You woke me up.”

“I'm sorry,” Suga said, not sounding sorry at all. “I just thought you might want to come party with me.”

Bokuto thought about it. He hadn't had much free time lately, not to mention his mood had been down all week. It would help lift his mood to go, although he felt exhausted after moping around all day.

“I don't know,” he said slowly.

“I'll come pick you up in an hour,” Suga said, his tone of voice leaving no room to argue.

Bokuto sighed as he put down his phone, but then pushed himself up off the bed. He should shower.

He couldn't stop thinking about Kuroo. Not that he had ever stopped before. He had thought about Kuroo every single day since the first time they had met, and he didn't intend to stop any time soon. He had spent hours, possibly even days at this point, trying to figure out how to re-establish connection to someone who would always be haunted by a lost career that he was pursuing.

The shower didn't do much to help him clear his head, but once he started picking out clothes and putting gel in his hair his thoughts shifted to the party ahead. Suga had unknowingly done him a big favour. Or did Suga remember what day it was?

He was all ready to go when Suga showed up behind his door, and seeing someone so genuinely happy lifted his mood considerably. Suga chatted to him about everyday things, pulling his attention away from his sadness, and he was excited to talk about his training routine with someone who wasn't a teammate.

“I'm thinking of seducing someone tonight,” Suga said when their talk turned to the party.

“You're shameless,” Bokuto said and laughed, although his heart squeezed uncomfortably.

“You should try flirting with some cute guy for a change,” Suga said. “It wouldn't be a problem for you to get laid.”

Bokuto bit his lip.

“I don't think I can,” he said quietly.

Suga pat his shoulder sympathetically.

“One day you'll get over him,” he offered.

“I guess,” Bokuto replied, although he didn't want it to happen.

“If you ever want to fool around with someone you know is safe,” Suga said, voice scarily serious, “I'm available.”

Bokuto turned to look at his friend with a raised eyebrow.

“I thought you were mainly interested in girls,” he said.

“Cute men too,” Suga smiled.

Bokuto felt his cheeks burning.

“I'm serious,” Suga said. “If you ever want to, I'll gladly help you.”

“Thanks,” Bokuto mumbled. “I'll think about it.”

Suga laughed happily.

“No pressure, Bokuto!” he said. “I just figured maybe you'd find it easier with someone you know.”

Bokuto chuckled, although still felt slightly uneasy. He wasn't used to someone giving him such openly sexual attention.

“That's thoughtful of you,” he said. “But I don't know if I can forget that easily.”

Suga placed a hand on his shoulder and stroked it. The simple gesture was enough to communicate all the things that he would have found difficult to hear someone say. He had never told Suga that he had a crush on Kuroo, but he was almost certain that Suga had figured it out by now.

“Hey,” Suga said, still sounding serious. “Do you want me to hang out with you tonight?”

Bokuto glanced at him and sighed. He didn’t know. He wanted to forget to have fun, but could he forget if he wasn’t guaranteed company?

“I understand if you need a friend tonight,” Suga added when Bokuto remained quiet.

“I don’t know,” Bokuto said.

How could he know it beforehand? Maybe he would find some cool people to talk to, maybe some familiar faces from high school, and he would have a great time chatting and drinking and then going home to his empty apartment. But he might also not properly connect with anyone and end up slumping on a couch before he got enough, would walk home alone and most likely cry himself to sleep.

“If you need me,” Suga said, “just let me know. Come find me or text me or call. I’ll come to you.”

Bokuto smiled and shook his head.

“You’re such a good friend,” he said. “You spoil me.”

“Someone needs to,” Suga laughed, and Bokuto found himself wishing that he had fallen for Suga instead.

He didn’t want to think, so he drank. It didn’t work. He thought about Suga’s offer, drank in silence close to the drinks table for a quick refill, and wondered if he could kiss someone without feeling like he inadvertently lost any chance he might still have to get his first kiss from Kuroo. The chances of Kuroo ever wanting to kiss him were close to none, especially now that they hadn’t even been in contact for over six months, but he was refusing to let go of his feelings. He thought about confessing again, why he hadn’t done it when he had first realised he had feelings for Kuroo, why he hadn’t done it since. He had always found an excuse, too uncertain over Kuroo’s sexuality to come out himself. Too scared that Kuroo might come to despise him and leave him all alone.

Yet that had happened. It wasn’t his fault, but it stung even more to know that there was nothing he could have done to stop it.

He decided that if, by the time it had been a year since he last talked to Kuroo, some miracle hadn’t given him Kuroo, he would take up Suga’s offer and learn to forget. He couldn’t live the rest of his life wondering what could have been when there was no chance of it ever being.

Someone bumped into him, causing him to spill the rest of his drink to the floor.

“Sorry, man,” a slurred voice said from behind him.

“Never mind,” he said, then turned to look at the man before him.

The man was looking at him, eyes hooded but brows raised.

“Bokuto?” Kuroo asked, and, as if he was a mirage, raised a hand to brush over his arm.

“Kuroo?” Bokuto replied, blinking rapidly to understand how Kuroo looked exactly the same yet completely different.

“Sorry about that,” Kuroo said and giggled, tripped onto his own foot and nearly fell forward. “I just got my cock sucked so good I think he took a part of my soul.”

Bokuto swallowed. He looked at Kuroo’s pale face, the dark bags under his eyes that were highlighted by the smudged eyeliner Kuroo was wearing. His hair was still the same that it had always been, just greasy and somehow sad. Kuroo’s eyes wouldn’t focus properly and he was blinking slowly as he wobbled and leaned forward.

“Usually it’s me doing the sucking,” Kuroo said, his breath smelling strongly of alcohol. “Guys dig this.”

Kuroo stuck his tongue out, showing off the silver stud on it.

“You got your tongue pierced?” Bokuto asked in disbelief.

He almost wanted to touch the piercing to make sure it was real, even though he could see the bar going into Kuroo’s tongue. Kuroo straightened up as well as he could and chuckled.

“It got me so much more cock, you know,” Kuroo said with a smirk that made it look like he was sharing a big secret.

“Wait,” Bokuto said, “you’re gay?”

Kuroo burst to laughter that nearly toppled him over.

“Yeah!” he shouted so loud that people around them were turning to look. “I always loved taking it up my ass!”

Bokuto didn’t know what to say, he didn’t even know how to react. His heart was squeezing but in a way completely different from what he was used to, and he couldn’t name the feeling. Kuroo leaned forward again, placed his hands on his shoulders. Beneath the alcohol there was a smell on him that Bokuto couldn’t quite pinpoint, and he wondered how long it had been since Kuroo had last showered.

“But men don’t know how to do it nice,” Kuroo said, lowering his voice like this was yet another secret. “They just stick it in and I don’t like that. It hurts too much, but they like it when you struggle. Makes it tighter.”

“What kind of men are you sleeping with?” Bokuto asked, more concerned by this detail than anything else he had suddenly learned about Kuroo.

“I’m very good at making straight guys sleep with me,” Kuroo said with an air of smugness. “They easily let you give them head or fuck your ass.”

Kuroo took a step back.

“I need a drink,” he announced, and took a step towards the drinks table. “Then a good fuck.”

Kuroo walked away, and Bokuto didn’t look after him. He was left standing there, frozen in place, trying to comprehend everything that had just happened. Kuroo had looked skinnier than before, his clothes hanging on his body in a wrong way. Kuroo had staggered due to his intoxication, but it didn’t look like his knee was really giving him a hard time. But that one positive was completely overshadowed by all the other details that were now pouring in.

Kuroo was sad.

Bokuto blinked and turned towards the drinks, but couldn’t see Kuroo anywhere. Maybe Kuroo had already gone off to find a guy to have sex with. It was sad too.

He felt like crying, so he snatched a bottle of beer from the table before heading out. He saw a back door and turned towards that, finding his way to a cosy terrace. He closed the door behind him and sat down on a stair, the wood cool against his bare hand. The door opened behind him, and he turned to see a man he didn’t know come out. They nodded at each other, the man heading to the other end of the terrace while lighting a cigarette. Bokuto spotted an ashtray on the low table by the railing. He turned his head forward again and took a gulp of beer. It tasted horrible and he wondered if it was even worth drinking, but then decided to take another swig. He might as well get hammered and forget about the horrible feeling of emptiness inside him.

He hadn’t seen Kuroo in over six months, and it was a shock to see how bad Kuroo looked now. He almost wished that he hadn’t run into Kuroo at all, could cradle a better memory of his former best friend for the rest of his life. The door behind him opened again, a couple of people came out, and as the door closed the music got muted again. He drank his beer, leaned onto the railing and thought about Kuroo getting his tongue pierced so he could convince more guys to let him suck their dick.

If he was completely honest with himself, what upset him the most was finding out that Kuroo was gay, had been gay all along. He should have confessed to find it out, maybe they could have had a future together. Maybe he could have kept Kuroo from getting so out of control. He knew for a fact that Kuroo had had his first kiss during the first year of high school, although he had never asked who it was with. He also knew for a fact that Kuroo had been a virgin up until the day he had hurt his knee, most likely long after that too. The idea of Kuroo naked and writhing under a faceless guy made Bokuto feel sick. It could have been him. He could have been the first to gently strip Kuroo’s clothes, he could have been the first to spread Kuroo’s legs apart, he could have been the first and he would have made sure to never hurt Kuroo like the men he was sleeping with were hurting him.

He had stopped paying attention to the door opening and closing, so he was startled by a presence next to him. He turned to look up to Kuroo’s face that was hidden by the shadows, momentarily illuminated by the lighter’s flame as he lit up a cigarette. Kuroo sat down next to him, breathing in deeply.

“You’ve taken up smoking too?” Bokuto asked quietly.

Kuroo didn’t say anything, simply blew a cloud of smoke up towards the dark sky. Bokuto watched Kuroo part his lips for the cigarette, imagined how those same lips had parted for countless dicks.

“It’s been such a long time,” Kuroo said, smoke pouring out of his mouth. “You got stronger.”

It was Bokuto’s turn to remain silent. He watched Kuroo smoke, thought about how natural it looked, so Kuroo must have started ages ago. He thought back to high school, how Kuroo had caught some underclassmen from his team smoking behind the school and given them a good scolding, making them promise to never smoke again.

“I missed you,” he said quietly.

Kuroo didn’t turn to look at him, and he wasn’t sure if Kuroo had heard his words at all. Kuroo’s cigarette got shorter, the head of it glowing in the night, and eventually Kuroo flicked it away without even putting it out.

“I didn’t miss you,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto’s heart squeezed, his stomach was in knots, and he felt the familiar bitterness of tears starting to accumulate behind his eyes.

“At least that’s what I want to feel,” Kuroo said, voice almost sad. “I can’t say it, though.”

Bokuto was too confused to react when Kuroo turned to him and pressed wet lips against his neck.

“Will you take me home tonight?” Kuroo asked between kisses, his breath hot against Bokuto’s neck. “I couldn’t find anyone interested in fucking me.”

So, he was a backup plan. Bokuto didn’t know how to feel about that. It made him feel bitter, like he wanted to vomit. Kuroo’s lips were wandering over his neck, stopping when they found a spot that made him squirm and his heart beat louder.

“Come on, Bokuto,” Kuroo slurred into his ear. “Fuck me hard.”

Bokuto swallowed, his throat tight. Kuroo’s words were going straight to his groin, as much as he hated the knowledge that Kuroo had only come to him because there was no one else available.

“I can’t,” he said, although slightly reluctant.

“Why?” Kuroo asked, voice whiny, arms wrapping around Bokuto’s shoulders. “Please.”

“I can’t,” Bokuto repeated.

“Why?” Kuroo asked again, pouting.

“Because I love you,” Bokuto said.

He didn’t know why he said that. Maybe he was more drunk than he had thought, enough to be honest for once in his life. This was the level of honesty he should have had years ago.

“Then,” Kuroo said slowly, frowning like he had to think hard, “doesn’t that mean that you want to fuck me? Let’s do it, Bokuto.”

Kuroo smelled like alcohol and tobacco, and Bokuto had to turn his head away to get some fresh air.

“Wasn’t a blowjob enough for one night?” he asked, looking into the distance.

“No,” Kuroo said, voice still whiny like a kid who wasn’t getting the treat he wanted. “I want something in my ass.”

“You're a real pain in the ass,” Bokuto mumbled.

Kuroo burst to laughter, obnoxious and drunk, face pressed to the crook of Bokuto's neck. He laughed until it slowly died out, but didn't let go of Bokuto. It felt familiar, Kuroo's presence right next to him, the straightforward touch. Bokuto wasn't sure if it pained him more than it was a relief.

“Let's go then,” he said.

Kuroo lifted his head up and backed away enough to see him properly.

“You're taking me home?” Kuroo asked, voice tiny.

“Yeah,” was all the answer Bokuto had to give before Kuroo was already struggling to stand up and ready to go.

“Not for sex,” Bokuto added, although it was obvious that Kuroo wasn't listening.

They started the walk slowly, side by side. Kuroo was staggering, and eventually leaned against Bokuto, hugging his arm close to his hot body, and Bokuto could now feel how skinny he had gotten. He found his legs to give just a bit, but managed to gain control.

For the first time in the past year Bokuto was glad that he lived so close to the university campus. After Kuroo's injury and his promise to give him space, he had worried that his apartment was so close they might run into each other by accident. It had never happened, and he wondered what Kuroo had been doing all that time. He had sort of assumed that Kuroo was stuck in his room, depressed over his knee and his wasted career, but maybe Kuroo hadn't been depressed at all. Maybe he had gone out to forget as soon as his leg worked enough, and maybe he had been forgetting all these months. Maybe Bokuto was the only one who had suffered because Kuroo was too busy pushing it away.

Kuroo was too busy pushing him away too.

He opened the door and Kuroo stumbled in, suddenly loud in the quiet apartment. Bokuto had always found it odd how his apartment could be so silent. He wasn't exactly discreet in how he lived his life, but every day he found himself listening to the silence, the emptiness, the loneliness, and it never went away, because eventually all his friends had to return to their homes and he was left there to listen to the way all noise had disappeared with the people.

“Where's the bedroom?” Kuroo asked, looking around.

His shoes were haphazardly kicked off. Bokuto looked at Kuroo in his apartment, feeling weird. Kuroo had never been there. He had moved only after the injury had happened, only a couple of weeks before the last time he said goodbye to Kuroo and ended their call. Kuroo had never shown any enthusiasm for coming over to see the place. He had assumed it was because Kuroo was afraid of the pain of seeing a volleyball player's apartment, but maybe Kuroo had really been too busy drinking his pain away and throwing himself to strange men who hurt him.

“You should take a shower first,” Bokuto said.

Kuroo turned to look at him, just stared for a moment, then nodded slowly. Bokuto guided him to the bathroom and went over to the linen closet to get a clean towel. When he returned, Kuroo was completely nude, looking at the shower like he had forgotten how to use it.

“Will you shower with me?” Kuroo asked, and maybe he would have been seductive if he was sober.

As it was, Kuroo's eyes weren't properly focused on anything and his smirk was too slow, too one-sided, his words tripping over each other.

“No,” Bokuto said and turned to leave. “I just showered.”

“So cold,” Kuroo complained, but didn't pursue it further.

Bokuto closed the bathroom door behind himself and stopped for a moment. He wasn't sure what he was doing. His head was buzzing with all the alcohol he had drank, and suddenly he couldn’t remember how much it was exactly.

He took his phone out of his pocket, weighed it on his hand.

 _Could you bring over a toothbrush? Just stick it through the mail slot_ , he texted Suga, hoping that he wasn't interfering with Suga's plan of seducing someone cute.

He could hear the water running and splashing onto the floor. He wondered if he should stick close to the door in case Kuroo passed out. He heard quiet humming, Kuroo's voice somehow different than it had always been, and he wondered if they could even get along anymore. Kuroo had changed drastically, Kuroo was a different person now.

He was different too, although in more subtle ways. Sometimes relationships couldn't handle a long separation. It was possible that theirs was one of those. Did they have anything in common at this point?

 _Sure, but you'll have to do some serious explaining tomorrow!_ Suga texted back.

 _I will, promise_ , Bokuto responded.

He hoped that he wouldn't have to end up telling Suga that Kuroo was so far gone there was no hope of them ever connecting again.

Why hadn't Suga told him about Kuroo? He shook his head. Suga and Kuroo studied different things, and he couldn't expect them to hang out in the same circles, especially after Kuroo decided to distance himself from everything related to volleyball. It was very likely that Suga didn't know. It's not like Suga and Kuroo had been that close either.

The shower turned off and Bokuto shoved the phone back in his pocket. He listened, could hear Kuroo's footsteps splatting on the floor. It was too quiet, but he now discovered that silence with another person present was just as comfortable as noise was. He took a step away from the bathroom door and wondered where he should place himself so he didn't look like he had been waiting. He strode to the couch when he heard Kuroo mumbling something right beside the door, sat down and tried to look relaxed and nonchalant. This was nothing unusual. Kuroo had visited him many times in the past, in his room where they had sat side by side, sometimes so close their arms or knees touched. He stared at the wall and tried to force his heart to calm down.

Kuroo stumbled out of the shower, towel hanging low on his hips. Bokuto didn't turn his head, but was intensely aware of what Kuroo did in his peripheral vision. His heart skipped a beat when Kuroo turned towards him.

“I thought you'd be in bed already,” Kuroo said.

Slowly Bokuto turned his head, made sure his eyes only focused on Kuroo's face.

“I told you I'm not going to have sex with you,” he said.

Kuroo stood there, swinging on his spot and licked his lips in thought.

“No,” Kuroo said very slowly. “You said that you love me.”

Bokuto sighed quietly. He had blurted out something he had been harbouring in his hearts for years, and now he had simply handed it over to Kuroo who didn't hesitate to use it against him. He stood up, and Kuroo's face brightened. He almost wished that he was going to fuck Kuroo like he had asked – begged, even – just so he wouldn't have to see disappointment on the face that now looked like the Kuroo he had always known.

“That's why I brought you here,” he said, slowly enough that he felt like Kuroo would catch every word. “I couldn't bear the thought of you ending up with some jerk. I want you to go to sleep.”

“With you,” Kuroo added like it was a given.

“I'll sleep on the couch,” Bokuto said.

He approached Kuroo who was still swaying in the same spot. Kuroo's eyes were heavily lidded. Bokuto’s mind was starting to feel hazy and he blinked a few times to clear his head.

“Please,” Bokuto said when he was standing next to Kuroo. “Just go to sleep so I know you're safe.”

Kuroo didn't say anything. Bokuto waited, but when the silence stretched on, he gently guided Kuroo to turn towards the bedroom, then took a hold of his hand and together they walked into the room.

“Since when have you made your bed?” Kuroo asked the first thing.

Bokuto smiled. It was such a Kuroo question. He missed Kuroo. He had missed Kuroo much more than he had even realised. He was standing behind Kuroo's back and now allowed himself a moment of taking in the sight of his former best friend. Kuroo really had lost a lot of weight, and it was scary to see a body once so lively now so sad. He hated how different Kuroo’s back looked, he wanted to touch it to make sure it wasn't an illusion. That Kuroo being in his room wasn't an illusion. He started lifting his arm, reaching forward, but before he was even close to touching the man before him, he let his arm fall back to his side. The irrational fear of Kuroo being just a mirage was taking over, and he didn't want to risk losing this dream of Kuroo being back in his life.

Then Kuroo turned around and looked at him with a face so familiar his gut wrenched.

“Why are you crying?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto didn't know what to say. He didn't want to say anything. He didn't want to pour out his emotions just now, now that Kuroo was too drunk to ever remember what he had said. He felt the tears prickling his eyes and blinked to push them away.

“I'm not crying,” he said, and his voice was too sad.

Kuroo took a step forward and pulled him into a hug. It was warm, Kuroo's skin still moist from the shower making Bokuto's shirt clammy. He didn't know what to do, so he allowed himself to relax, lean against Kuroo who had been gone for too long, forever, and as he placed his hands on Kuroo's shoulders he hoped that Kuroo would stay with him. He wanted to keep Kuroo with him because without Kuroo life didn't feel the same, it wasn't as fulfilled.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo whispered against Bokuto's skin.

Bokuto leaned his forehead on Kuroo's shoulder. Kuroo's arms were surprisingly strong around him, but felt bonier now. They hadn't exactly hugged like this before, but Bokuto had always cherished those little moments of contact, trying to bring back every sensation of Kuroo's warmth against him. He had always hoped that one day they would be together like this, so close together that he could feel each curve and crevice of Kuroo’s body, the warmth of Kuroo’s skin. He shivered with pleasure when Kuroo’s palms spread out over his back, their heat making him realise how cold he was feeling.

He didn’t realise what Kuroo was doing before the warm hands were kneading his ass and pulling their hips together. He tried to back away, but Kuroo’s hold was strong and his stance surprisingly good for someone who was so miserably drunk. Bokuto stood there and tried to not enjoy the way Kuroo touched him, he swallowed and tried to will away the pleasure that was starting to pool in his tummy.

It was humming in Bokuto’s head by the time Kuroo’s hands slipped to the front of his jeans and started unbuttoning them, struggling for quite a while before finally pulling down the zipper.

“Oh, you’re packing,” Kuroo mumbled and slipped a hand into Bokuto’s jeans, cupping his slowly hardening cock.

“Kuroo,” Bokuto gasped and stepped back. “We can’t.”

“Of course we can,” Kuroo said and kneeled onto the floor.

Bokuto placed a hand on Kuroo’s shoulder to push the man away, but Kuroo was already pulling down his pants to expose his cock, so he froze. Kuroo was breathing right next to his junk. How could Kuroo be there, down there right now, after so many years of dreaming and fantasising in the shower? He lifted his hand and placed it on Kuroo’s head. The hair was wet under his palm, and he was getting ready to pull Kuroo away.

“It looks so good,” Kuroo said, fondling Bokuto’s cock with his fingers, the touch surprisingly soft, yet just perfect to turn Bokuto on even more.

He knew he should end it immediately, simply take a step back so Kuroo couldn’t touch, couldn’t breathe against his hardening skin, couldn’t lick over the tip of his cock that was still hiding under his foreskin. He found himself taking a hold of a fistful of wet hair as arousal warmed his legs and made his stomach tingle. He would have been mortified by how quickly he got hard if it weren’t for Kuroo’s joyous face as Kuroo sucked and licked and kissed his length. It had been quite a while since Bokuto had last jerked off, and resisting the hot and wet mouth on his cock was proving impossible. He looked at the way Kuroo’s eyes were focused on what he was doing, he could hardly believe he wasn’t dreaming this encounter. The tongue piercing gave Kuroo’s licks an edge, and Bokuto wished that he could compare it to a blowjob with no piercing.

Kuroo’s sucks were sloppy, but Bokuto discovered that it felt exceptionally good. He was disappointed when Kuroo suddenly pulled away. He let go of the wet hair, and Kuroo turned to look up at him and smiled, wide and genuine – at least that was the appearance Bokuto got. He had never seen Kuroo drunk before and had no idea how much Kuroo was in control of his own actions.

Which, in turn, reminded him that he should back away right that moment.

But then Kuroo stood up, leaving his towel on the floor, and he was hard. Kuroo was rock hard, and Bokuto couldn’t help staring. He had seen Kuroo naked before, had seen his cock, but always flaccid, always just a hint of flesh. And now, he saw it in full hardness, how long it was, it curved up, and Bokuto really wanted to touch it, feel how it was different from his own cock.

Before Bokuto could do anything, Kuroo turned around and climbed on the bed, on his hands and knees, ass in offer.

“Fuck me, Bokuto,” Kuroo said and turned to look back. “I’m ready.”

Bokuto hesitated. He had no idea how drunk Kuroo really was. He shook his head. It shouldn’t matter. He shouldn’t do it either way. But if he refused, Kuroo might leave, go find a guy who was willing to have sex with him, and it would end up hurting like every other time. But maybe Bokuto wasn’t too drunk to give Kuroo something good to remember – if Kuroo would even remember.

Kuroo was hard, Kuroo was waiting, swaying his hips in anticipation, and Bokuto wanted to cry when he thought about all the times Kuroo had invited a man to fuck him only to find it painful. He was now thinking about Kuroo’s first time with a man. Had it hurt then too, and that’s why Kuroo was willing to settle for the least he could get?

With sudden conviction Bokuto stepped forward, then stopped to quickly get out of his jeans and underwear, before going over to his nightstand. He took out the well-used bottle of lube and climbed in bed with Kuroo, who was hanging his head low. Bokuto wondered if there was still a chance to simply make Kuroo go to sleep, but the moment his fingers touched Kuroo’s hip, the man scurried forward to make more room.

“Are you sure?” Bokuto asked.

“Yes, please, hurry,” Kuroo slurred.

Kuroo’s arms gave in and his chest slumped onto the bed, ass still high in the air. Bokuto wanted to ask again, but he knew that if he asked, the answer would be the same. It wouldn’t change before Kuroo had gotten what he wanted, so Bokuto opened the bottle of lube and poured it over his fingers.

“What are you doing?” Kuroo asked and tried to turn his head to look, but it was difficult with his chest pressed to the bed and arms by his body.

“Prepping you,” Bokuto replied.

“Huh?” was the reaction Bokuto had anticipated, yet feared.

He pressed his slick fingers against Kuroo’s puckered entrance, and thought about all the times Kuroo had had a guy push inside with only the help of spit. He didn’t want to think about it, he didn’t want to imagine how it was hard to get in in the first place, how much it hurt and how Kuroo must have bled each time. He circled the hole with soft fingers before stopping over it, pressed one finger against the tight muscle, and it slipped inside surprisingly easy. Maybe it shouldn’t have surprised him. Kuroo squirmed and mumbled something, but Bokuto couldn’t make sense of the words. He hoped that he wasn’t about to make the biggest mistake of his life, wished that they both were sober. Kuroo wasn’t resisting, and Bokuto started to slowly push a second finger inside. Kuroo whimpered, but his muscles stayed relaxed so it must have felt good. Bokuto took his time to work the two fingers past the initial tightness, trickled more lube over his fingers, and saw how Kuroo’s cock was dripping pre-come.

Kuroo was tight and hot, and Bokuto did his best to not imagine what it would feel like around his cock. He looked at Kuroo’s smooth skin, wondering how recently Kuroo had shaved. There were a few nicks on the skin where the blade had slipped, and Bokuto wondered if Kuroo had shaved while drunk. How much of the time did Kuroo spend sober? It could be that Kuroo was only wasted because it was a weekend, but it was also possible that Kuroo spent most of his time drinking. He spread his fingers carefully, causing Kuroo to moan from deep within, and he was thankful that he had fingered himself before, that he had decided to try out the dildo his teammates had given him as a gag gift on his birthday. He was grateful that he had actually read about anal sex before trying it out, and now he got to see how Kuroo arched his back, pushed his hips towards the fingers penetrating him. Kuroo was panting loudly.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo groaned. “More, please, please.”

Bokuto spread his fingers and decided that it was safe to add a third finger. He pushed it in just as slowly as he had been working all this time, listened to the quiet moans and whimpers from Kuroo, and tried to ignore how each sound went straight to his cock. He added lube again, made sure to spread it inside the opening, gently fucked Kuroo with his fingers, pushing farther until his knuckled met Kuroo’s rim.

“Bokuto, please,” Kuroo pleaded between moans. “Please, please give me more. Please, I need to feel you inside, please.”

Bokuto groaned and stopped moving completely, just for a moment to pull himself together, but Kuroo’s ass clenched around his fingers, making it impossible to forget the situation at hand. He pulled his fingers out, reached to his nightstand and got out a condom, hoping that it hadn’t expired yet. He didn’t check. If he didn’t know, it hadn’t happened, and he was soon rolling the condom over his cock, hands shaking with arousal. Kuroo was swaying his hips enticingly, and Bokuto determinedly didn’t look at that, didn’t look at the way Kuroo’s pucker glistened with lube.

“Hurry,” Kuroo moaned.

Bokuto didn’t say anything. He poured lube over his cock, spread it along the length haphazardly, and positioned himself behind Kuroo. He placed his clean hand on Kuroo’s hip, then stopped. He didn’t like the idea of taking Kuroo from behind. It turned him into one more faceless cock, and he wondered if Kuroo would hate him too much if he backed away now. Before coming to a conclusion, he pushed on Kuroo’s hip until Kuroo got the idea and rolled onto his back, legs spread and cock wet on his abdomen. Bokuto bit his lip. He wasn’t sure he could do it.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo said quietly.

Bokuto looked up and saw the look on Kuroo’s face. It was longing, Kuroo’s eyes had the same warmth he had always seen there, and he badly wanted to take it as a love confession. Without turning his eyes away from Kuroo’s, he guided his cock between Kuroo’s ass cheeks, found the entrance, and started pushing inside.

Kuroo moaned, filthier than in Bokuto's wildest dreams, bit his lip and looked up at Bokuto with pleasure in his eyes.

“Feels so good,” Kuroo said, breaths deep and loud. “It doesn't hurt at all.”

Bokuto couldn't take it. The tears were back in his eyes, but he continued entering Kuroo slowly and carefully, blinking to properly see how awed Kuroo was to feel such pleasure during penetration. His heart ached, he didn't want to think about Kuroo hurting, yet he couldn't push the thought away while Kuroo was right there reminding him with his joy.

“It should never hurt,” he managed to say, although his voice was stuffy.

Kuroo focused his eyes differently, lifted his hands to Bokuto's cheeks, their touch soft.

“Why are you crying?” Kuroo asked. “Am I not good enough? Do you want me to hurt?”

Bokuto shook his head so violently that Kuroo had to let go. He pushed his hips forward sharply, the entirety of his cock slipping into Kuroo, and he closed his eyes to cool down so he wouldn't come immediately. Kuroo's insides were soft and tight, the hotness surrounding his cock unimaginable.

“I don't ever want you to hurt,” he said, voice raw, then opened his eyes to meet Kuroo's gaze. “I love you so much.”

Kuroo's mouth opened into an O-shape. He reached for Bokuto's face again, the familiar callouses on his fingers just like before, his thumbs stroking over Bokuto's cheeks gently. They didn't say anything more. Bokuto rolled his hips tentatively, and Kuroo spread his legs wider in response, welcoming Bokuto's hips against the underside of his thighs, against the scratched skin of his ass, and Bokuto pulled his cock out a bit before pushing it inside again. It felt surreal, and he could hardly accept the fact that a part of him was inside Kuroo, his cock was spreading Kuroo's hole open, he was having sex with Kuroo. His cock was aching for more stimulation, but he made sure to go slow, gentle, he couldn't risk accidentally hurting Kuroo just because he lost himself in pleasure. Kuroo was watching him, moaning quietly with each thrust of his hips, and he was so overcome with emotion his eyes blurred with tears again.

Kuroo smiled, and it was the first time Bokuto saw him smile so happily in a year. It was too much, it was too much to take, and Bokuto let the tears flow down his face, Kuroo's thumbs wiping them aside. He was sobbing, hips still working, and Kuroo moved his hands away from his face and behind his back, pulled him down into an embrace. Bokuto pressed his face against the crook of Kuroo's neck and cried, sobs and grunts mixing together as he felt pleasure pooling in his stomach. He realised that he had forgotten to keep his pace down and was now thrusting into Kuroo much faster than intended, but Kuroo didn't seem to mind, his moans now right next to Bokuto's ear.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo whispered. “You feel so good inside me. You're inside me.”

Kuroo's words turned so sloppy that Bokuto couldn't figure out what else he was saying. Kuroo smelled like Bokuto's body wash, and this detail, the idea of Kuroo and him being so tightly intertwined in this moment, was what pushed Bokuto over the edge. He came with a cry, and Kuroo tightened around him.

“Koutarou,” he heard Kuroo say.

He heard Kuroo whisper his name over and over, the hold on his shoulders tight, and he had never felt as satisfied in his life. He sniffled once more, pressed a wet kiss onto Kuroo's shoulder, and started pushing himself up. Kuroo reluctantly let him go, and he pulled his softening cock out, haphazardly tied the condom and threw it onto the floor before rolling over onto his side. Only now did he realise that there was come between their bodies, and he had no idea when Kuroo had released.

“I didn't even notice you came,” he said, voice out of breath.

Voicing the thought made him feel ashamed of having been so focused on himself. How could he ever be a good lover if he could only think with his dick? He hadn't even thought to try and aim his thrusts to Kuroo's prostate, which would have made the experience even better for Kuroo.

“It felt so good,” Kuroo said.

He took a hold of Bokuto's face again, palms so soft and caring that Bokuto felt like he might cry again.

“I didn't think it could feel so good,” Kuroo said. “You took such good care of me.”

Kuroo's words were slurring worse than before, and Bokuto was starting to feel how heavy his own eyelids were. Kuroo leaned closer, eyes half-lidded, and pressed a soft kiss onto Bokuto's lips.

“I love you,” he mumbled, then closed his eyes.

“Kuroo?” Bokuto tried, but Kuroo was fast asleep.

Bokuto thought about what Kuroo had said just before blacking out. Could it be that Kuroo meant it? It was more likely that Kuroo was talking shit because he was drunk.

Kuroo's palm was warm against Bokuto's shoulder, and Bokuto wished that he had taken his shirt off too so he could now feel Kuroo's skin against his own. He found it hard to keep his eyes open and blinked, re-focusing his eyes on Kuroo's face. Now that Kuroo had washed his eyes, the dark bags under them were clearer. His cheekbones were sharper than Bokuto remembered, and he thought about Kuroo's body, how bony it had felt as they embraced. Bokuto blinked again, this time slower, and it took more effort to open his eyes again. He shifted closer to Kuroo to wrap his arms around his body. Kuroo was warm, breathing calm, his mouth smelled like alcohol. Bokuto gathered all the strength he had left to move Kuroo's face down to the curve of his neck so he didn't have to smell the alcohol that felt like a third party in the bed. Kuroo's hair smelled familiar, it was Bokuto's shampoo, but he knew that Kuroo had used the same brand. His heart twisted and he pulled Kuroo closer to himself.

Maybe he would wake up in an empty apartment and never see Kuroo again. Maybe the morning would bring them back together. He was equally afraid of both options, but he drifted off before he had a chance to work up a panic.

*

Kuroo was still sound asleep when Bokuto had eaten breakfast and taken a shower. Bokuto sat on his couch thinking, although he found it hard to keep his thoughts in any order; they were bouncing around in his head, and every time he tried to focus on one, he was distracted by another. The only thing that didn't constantly change, was the subject of those thoughts, and that was Kuroo. He thought about waking up and finding Kuroo cuddled up to him. He thought about seeing Kuroo at the party right after Kuroo had gotten a blowjob. He thought about the way Kuroo's tongue piercing glistened when the light hit his mouth from the right angle. And he thought about how everything about Kuroo was so familiar yet off.

He straightened up when he heard the bedroom door open and slow footsteps tapping on the floor. His heart was hammering in his chest as he wondered what Kuroo was going to do. There was no way to leave the apartment without walking past him, so he would have to face Kuroo again.

He had thought that he was fine with it, he had been expecting to finally talk to a sober Kuroo, but now that it was quickly becoming a reality, he was hit by conflicting emotions. He was scared that Kuroo would take one look at him, then leave his life for good without a word. He was afraid that Kuroo would be angry at him for having sex with him while they were intoxicated. He was now tormented by guilt of what had happened. He hadn’t been that drunk, he should have known better than to give in to his desires no matter how much Kuroo begged. He shouldn't have done anything, shouldn't have touched Kuroo in the first place.

Kuroo was in the bathroom, and Bokuto sat, paralysed by the turmoil inside him. He heard water running, he heard the toilet flushing, he heard the door open, and the soft footsteps that were now headed his way.

Bokuto was sure that his heart was going to stop the moment he saw Kuroo emerge from behind the corner. Kuroo stopped there, staring at him without a word. Kuroo had gotten dressed, his jeans tighter than Bokuto had remembered, his shirt hanging loose on his body, and hair the usual mess. He was pale and looked extremely tired, but otherwise fine.

“I made breakfast,” was the first thing that Bokuto felt was appropriate to say.

Kuroo took a step towards him.

“Why is there a used condom on the floor by your bed?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto was taken aback, and he needed a moment to process the question. Then the burn of shame was back, this time worse than before.

“I'm sorry,” he said, too quiet, but at least he got it out.

“We had sex, huh?” Kuroo mused. “I thought it was a dream.”

Bokuto opened his mouth to apologise, then realised that Kuroo's tone of voice wasn't what he had expected, and ended up staring at the man with his mouth open.

“I thought you still lived with your parents,” Kuroo said, took a step farther into the room and looked around with interest.

“No,” Bokuto managed to say, then finally closed his mouth. “I moved here seven months ago. Don’t you remember?”

Kuroo hummed in thought, then walked over to the balcony door.

“I'll be right back,” Kuroo said, opened the door, and stepped into the balcony.

Bokuto watched Kuroo's back, watched how Kuroo took out his pack of cigarettes and lit one. It didn't feel right to see, and he turned his head away, but couldn't stop himself from looking from the corner of his eye. Kuroo was hunched over, leaning his elbows on the railing. He looked cool, although Bokuto despised that thought. Kuroo had always looked cool to him, in healthy ways. Now Kuroo looked like his life had crumbled. His intentionally loose shirt coupled with his tight jeans made him look much skinnier than he really was. A soft gust of wind ruffled his hair and carried away the cloud of smoke that he had blown into the air.

Bokuto found that he had turned to look at Kuroo properly, his body now facing the balcony. He felt like somehow Kuroo was now completely out of his reach.

He was still looking when Kuroo returned inside, the smell of tobacco strong on him.

“I didn't know you took up smoking,” Bokuto said, then felt stupid for saying something so obvious.

“Yeah,” was all Kuroo said in return.

They fell silent. It was awkward. Silence between them had never been awkward, which made it even more uncomfortable, and Bokuto almost wished he hadn't brought Kuroo home at all.

“This is a nice place,” Kuroo finally said, arms crossed and close to his body.

Bokuto nodded and mumbled something that resembled an answer. He didn't know what he wanted to happen next. A part of him wished that Kuroo would make an excuse to leave, while another part wished that they would somehow suddenly know exactly what to say to resolve everything, while yet another part wished that Kuroo would passionately kiss him and that would be all that was needed for them both to heal, but especially Kuroo.

“You made breakfast?” Kuroo asked then, and Bokuto was relieved to have a clear direction for his attention.

Being quiet stopped being awkward when Bokuto got up to get food. The uneasiness started to return when they sat down by the table and Kuroo ate. Bokuto felt like he should say something, but was drawing a blank. He didn't know what he was allowed to say, and realising that upset him. There used to be nothing they couldn't say, with the exception of his attraction to Kuroo – and apparently Kuroo's sexuality. Everything used to be easy, then Kuroo's injury made it difficult. Last night was the final nail in the coffin. Bokuto didn't understand Kuroo's reaction to what had happened. Why wasn't Kuroo upset? Kuroo had thought it was a dream, but was it a dream he had disliked? Bokuto wanted to ask, but was too afraid of finding out that Kuroo was merely putting on a façade of disinterest, maybe fearful that Bokuto would assault him, just waiting to get out and either report him to the police or move on with the pain always lurking in the corners of his heart.

“You don't look any different,” Kuroo said between mouthfuls of food. “Except healthier. And stronger.”

“Oh,” Bokuto said, startled by the friendliness of Kuroo's voice.

“Yeah,” Kuroo said and nodded. “You look really good.”

“I,” Bokuto tried to gather his thoughts. “I'm, well… uh, thanks.”

Kuroo smiled, mouth full of food, and it was the cutest Bokuto had ever seen him. He smiled back, tentative and almost shy, and he could have sworn that Kuroo's eyes lit up.

“I know I look horrible,” Kuroo then said.

Bokuto wanted to argue, but didn't know how. He didn't want Kuroo to think he was agreeing, but he didn't want to tell Kuroo how awful it made him feel to look at what was a shadow of the Kuroo he had known.

“You look sad,” he finally said.

Kuroo finished eating and downed a glass of water.

“I guess that suits me,” he said quietly.

“No!” Bokuto said, too loud, and slammed his hands onto the table. “You should be happy!”

Kuroo sniffed at the table.

“How could I be?” he asked.

It broke Bokuto's heart to hear how tired and defeated Kuroo's voice was.

“Why didn't you go for coaching?” Bokuto asked.

“No one wants a coach this young,” Kuroo scoffed back.

“Yes, they do,” Bokuto insisted. “You could coach kids! They would love you.”

Kuroo looked at him in thought.

“I don't think I want to continue,” Kuroo said. “I… Maybe it's better to forget all about it.”

“And forget all about me?” Bokuto asked before he could stop himself. “I did mean it when I told you I missed you.”

Kuroo looked at him, seeming almost scared. Bokuto immediately regretted saying anything. He should have stayed cool and let Kuroo talk about it. It wasn't his place to make Kuroo feel like he had been deserted, it was Kuroo's place to talk about how much it hurt to lose such a significant part of his life.

“I didn't mean it like that,” Kuroo mumbled to his breakfast dish.

Bokuto stopped all the arguments that tried to come out of his mouth. He didn't have the right to be hurt. The awkwardness was back between them, and Bokuto buried his face in his hands. This was not how he would have envisioned his life going, his friendship with Kuroo going. Obviously, no one could have foreseen the injury, but after it had happened Bokuto had imagined that while Kuroo would be depressed, together they would work towards the future. In his dreams they had moved on to being lovers, and he wouldn't stop at anything to help Kuroo recover.

Now that he remembered all those dreams, reality felt hollow. His heart felt hollow because every day he missed Kuroo's company, and every day he worried that Kuroo wasn't doing fine. He had quickly learned how to push those thoughts away the moment they surfaced, but it didn't mean that he hadn't spent countless nights lying sleepless in bed worrying that he and Kuroo were over for good. He had cried in the shower to hide his tears when the fear of never seeing Kuroo again burned his throat. He was almost ready to cry now, too, with Kuroo sitting beside him so… well, he didn't know what Kuroo felt. Disgust? Shame? Sorrow?

And he didn't want to ask, because if the answer was something negative, it would hurt. Not knowing what was going on was painful, but if Kuroo now told him that he hadn't missed him at all, Bokuto would probably lock himself in the bathroom and not come out until he had cried so much everything turned to mush and nothing made him feel a thing.

“I'm surprised you brought me home,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto didn't look up, in fact, he closed his eyes to know less. He didn't want to see Kuroo's face and how it must have been looking at him in pity.

“First of all, because I had no idea you were into men to begin with,” Kuroo continued when Bokuto remained silent. “But I also… Did you look at me last night?”

The question made Bokuto peek over his hands to look at Kuroo, who looked miserable, staring at the table and arms crossed again.

“Yes,” Bokuto said against his hands.

Kuroo glanced at him, quickly turning his face away when he saw Bokuto looking.

“I know I'm a mess,” Kuroo said, his voice oddly strangled. “I didn't think you would want anything to do with me anymore.”

Kuroo's voice got gradually quieter as he spoke, and Bokuto lowered his hands until they were resting on the table in front of him.

“I know I pushed you away,” Kuroo said, not much louder than a whisper. “I thought you left for good.”

Kuroo slumped in his chair, arms drawn tightly against his body.

“Why would you think that?” Bokuto asked in horror.

Kuroo glanced at him from under his brows.

“You gave up,” he said. “I know it's my own fault, I tried so hard to push you away but I didn't think it would work. I… I thought… I hoped that you would stay.”

Bokuto was staring at Kuroo in absolute disbelief. He wished that he had heard wrong because Kuroo was talking so quietly, but he knew it had been exactly what Kuroo said.

“You said you wanted a break from everything to do with volleyball,” Bokuto said, flinching at how desperate his voice was. “Including me.”

Kuroo's shoulders were shaking.

“I know,” he said, and Bokuto could tell he was crying. “I was so desperate to forget, but not about you. I hated how you reminded me of what I lost, but... You were always so important to me. It took me months to come to terms with the fact that you weren't going to call me again.”

Bokuto couldn't take it. He slid his chair back and stood up. Kuroo turned his miserable face to look at him, but he hardly even saw it before he stormed out of the room. He had intended to go to the bedroom, but suddenly remembered that he still hadn't cleaned up after the previous night, so he headed back to the living room and his usual spot on the couch. Before he could sit down, he changed his mind once more, and went out to the balcony. He sat down on a chair, looking into the distance. His heart was filled with different emotions, each of them making his chest heavy and throat tight. He wanted to cry, but he didn't want Kuroo to see. He should have locked himself in the bathroom after all.

A gentle breeze stroked his face. He felt emptier now than before. In a way he felt like his life was ending. The wind cooled down his burning cheeks, but didn't soothe the burn inside. He gave up and let himself shed a tear, then two more before wiping his cheeks dry with his fists, rubbing until his skin turned raw.

“I'm sorry,” Kuroo said from the door.

Bokuto didn't acknowledge it. He swallowed thickly, but couldn't help sniffling. He knew that being angry with Kuroo was pointless, and that he would very quickly forgive him, but he also stubbornly wanted to grief.

“I didn't know what else to do,” Kuroo said.

There were countless snide remarks that Bokuto wanted to make, but he bit his lip and stayed quiet.

“You hate me, don't you?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto swallowed. Staying quiet after a question like that was difficult, but he managed. He had already told Kuroo how much he had missed him, and if that hadn't been enough, would anything be enough?

“Do you want me to leave?” Kuroo asked next.

Bokuto squeezed his fingers together. He still didn't want to talk, but he also didn't want Kuroo to leave. He knew that if he let Kuroo walk out now, it would be over for good. But did Kuroo want to stay?

Kuroo was still standing by the balcony door. Kuroo could have left without looking back, yet he hadn't. Why wasn’t that enough to conclude that Kuroo wanted them to connect again? After all, Kuroo hadn't wanted them to grow apart in the first place. Bokuto just didn't understand why Kuroo had been so determined to get rid of him if that wasn't what he had wanted.

“Okay,” Kuroo said softly and turned to go back inside.

“Don't,” Bokuto said, but didn't turn to look. “Don't go.”

He listened to Kuroo, how he hovered by the door, uncertain. He heard Kuroo turn back towards him, Kuroo slowly stepped closer to the free chair next to him, and sat down just as slowly. Their arms brushed together. Kuroo left them like that, skin against skin, and Bokuto wanted to pull away just to spite him. He couldn't bring himself to do it. They sat quietly, side by side, just like they used to. If it wasn't for the heavy atmosphere, it could have been like any other day, back when they were friends.

“I don't expect you to understand,” Kuroo said. “I don't even understand it myself.”

A couple of birds flew by. Bokuto looked up to the sky, the bright blue shining with the sun.

“I guess I couldn't handle it all,” Kuroo said. “You will always make me think of volleyball, and I don't think that can change. But you're also more than that.”

Bokuto's heart skipped a beat, but he did his best to stay calm. Kuroo didn't mean that he was more than a friend. Kuroo meant that they were friends, and that their friendship extended outside of volleyball.

“I never knew how to tell you, so I never did,” Kuroo said. “I should have. I've regretted staying quiet. I thought that maybe if I had been more open, you wouldn't have left.”

“I didn't leave,” Bokuto said and glared at Kuroo before turning back. “You were shutting me out. And who says I should be the only one staying in touch? You never called me.”

“Because I was scared,” Kuroo said.

“Scared of what?” Bokuto asked coldly.

“That I would accidentally reveal too much of my feelings,” Kuroo said solemnly.

Bokuto froze. He had to keep himself from getting hopeful, but it was becoming increasingly difficult. Kuroo leaned his arm closer to Bokuto's.

“I guess now that I've already ruined everything,” Kuroo said, “it won't matter, so I should tell you.”

“Tell me what?” Bokuto asked, still not prepared to look at Kuroo.

“I like you, Bokuto,” Kuroo said. “I like you more than as a friend.”

Bokuto turned to look at Kuroo openly. As much as he had wanted to hear something like that, he found it almost impossible to believe what Kuroo was saying. Kuroo must have remembered his confession from last night and was now using it to be forgiven.

“Why don't you believe me?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto had forgotten just how perceptive Kuroo could be. Knowing that Kuroo had correctly read his emotions just by looking at him made him feel nostalgic.

“You're just saying,” he mumbled.

“I mean it,” Kuroo insisted. “Why else do you think I wanted to come home with you?”

“You said it yourself,” Bokuto snapped. “You couldn't find anyone else to fuck you.”

Kuroo sighed.

“I lied,” he said. “I figured that I had nothing left to lose so I should just ask you, but then I got scared that you would say no. I mean, I didn't think you would be interested in sleeping with a guy. But I figured that at least you would be willing to save me from making yet another mistake.”

“Is anything about you true?” Bokuto asked.

The question hit a nerve he hadn't expected, and the way Kuroo's face dropped made his heart clench with guilt.

“I,” Kuroo said quietly. “Everything else is true. I only lied a little bit.”

“You also weren't as drunk as you made it appear,” Bokuto asked.

Kuroo nodded and averted his gaze.

“I couldn't...” he said. “I didn't have the courage to meet you too sober. I... I hadn't been at the party for long before I saw you.”

“So bumping into me was also an act,” Bokuto pointed out.

Kuroo's face was red and the look in his eyes desperate.

“Yes,” he admitted. “That was also a lie. But I didn't know how else to approach you. I was afraid you'd walk away.”

“So you thought that bragging to me about a blowjob was the best approach?” Bokuto asked.

Kuroo opened his mouth, but stayed quiet for a while before any words came out.

“It was the first thing that popped into my head,” he said. “I guess that was a lie too.”

Bokuto nodded and turned away from Kuroo again.

“So,” he said slowly. “You took advantage of me. And here I am worrying that I practically raped you because you were too drunk to consent.”

“Oh,” Kuroo started to say, but Bokuto interrupted him by standing up abruptly.

“We should have never met,” he said. “I can't believe you turned out to be so selfish.”

He forced his way past Kuroo and back indoors. He headed to the bedroom. His usual spot was on the couch, but he didn't want to be so easily visible to Kuroo. He closed the door behind himself, headed to the bed and flopped down. It smelled like sex, and he realised he had made a mistake coming there, but there was no way out now. Maybe this was better, because now Kuroo could leave without having to walk past him again. They could both pretend that the previous night never happened and then move on in their separate lives. He would still be lonely, still feel like he was missing a significant part of himself, but it would get better with time. Maybe he would take Suga up on his offer and have sex with him a few times, then move on to finding a nice guy whose smile wouldn't remind him of Kuroo.

There was a knock on the door, and Bokuto groaned against his pillow. The door opened quietly.

“Bokuto?” Kuroo said before opening the door slightly more.

Bokuto wasn't sure if Kuroo was only peeking in to the room or if he had entered the room. He didn't care. He shouldn't care.

“Before I go,” Kuroo said, “I just want to make sure there's nothing I leave unsaid.”

Bokuto grunted, but otherwise didn't acknowledge Kuroo.

“I'm sorry that I didn't know how to handle my pain so that I wouldn't hurt you,” Kuroo said. “And I'm sorry that I lied to you and manipulated you. I guess I was drunk enough to not realise how my actions might affect you. But I also didn't expect it to work.”

Bokuto sighed. He wasn't sure if Kuroo's apology was genuine. It was starting to sound like a bunch of excuses.

“I'm sorry that I drove you away back then and now,” Kuroo said. “I really love you, Bokuto. I never wanted it to end up like this. I didn't want us to end like this.”

Bokuto snorted. He didn't fully understand his reaction, he just knew that suddenly the entire situation felt too absurd to be real.

“There's a toothbrush at the door,” Bokuto said. “Take it. It's yours.”

Kuroo made a questioning sound, but didn't say anything. Maybe the implication of Bokuto's words had sank in. The door closed quietly. Bokuto listened to Kuroo leave, his footsteps heading away. He heard the apartment door open, and that's when he burst to tears. His sobs were loud against the pillow, his tears big and hot. His nose quickly got stuffy and it was hard to breathe, but he couldn't stop wailing.

He didn't know what had gotten into him. Kuroo may have acted selfish, but so had he. He had stopped calling Kuroo because he got tired, it upset him to try to have a conversation so he stopped even trying, while knowing that Kuroo needed support. He had agreed to bring Kuroo over so no one else could have him. He had had sex with Kuroo because he wanted to, thinking that Kuroo was extremely drunk. He had wanted to be the best one, the only person who could make sex feel good, and that's why he had given in. He was selfish, and it made him worse than Kuroo. He had no reason to act like he did, but Kuroo was only doing his best to survive a change in his life.

He hadn’t cried so hard even on the previous day when he was mourning the loss of their friendship. This time he knew it was over, he knew that Kuroo would never return to him, they would never laugh at stupid jokes together or sit a bit too close to each other in a crowded train, they would never watch bad movies together, they would never be together again. Maybe he would one day run into Kuroo again, and maybe he would nod to the man, maybe he would be strong enough to not turn around and try to forget he had seen the familiar hair, the easily tanned skin, the smile that had always made any day seem bright.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo said from the doorway, and Bokuto jumped, rolled around to stare at the man standing there with a toothbrush and a piece of paper in his hand and a guilty look on his face. “I still need to say something.”

“You fuck!” Bokuto yelled, voice stuffy from crying and eyes still blurry. “You scared me to death!”

“Sorry,” Kuroo said and flinched. “It wasn’t my intention.”

“Jesus,” Bokuto mumbled and tried to relax on the bed again, but now that Kuroo was in the same room, it was very hard.

Kuroo took a step inside the room, and Bokuto was suddenly incredibly aware of the used condom that was still on the floor, as well as the smell of sex in his bed. His face heated up as he remembered what had happened last night, how Kuroo had moaned under him, how they had both been so satisfied just mere hours ago.

“I need to apologise once more,” Kuroo said, and Bokuto raised a brow at him. “I’m sorry, but I read this letter.”

Kuroo lifted up the piece of paper in his hand.

“It was there with the toothbrush, and I…” Kuroo bit his lip. “I’m sorry, I just caught a glimpse of my name, and I had to read it.”

“What is that anyway?” Bokuto asked, nodding towards the paper Kuroo was holding up.

He blinked a few times to clear his eyes, then wiped over his face with one hand. He was adult enough to face Kuroo this one last time.

“It’s a note from Suga,” Kuroo said. “I… Maybe you should read it.”

Kuroo took a step closer and extended his hand towards Bokuto. It looked like Kuroo was scared of coming in any farther into the room, and Bokuto couldn’t blame him: Kuroo hadn’t told him how he felt about the sex. It was still possible that, while Kuroo hadn’t been as drunk as Bokuto had first thought, he was now regretting the decision he had made while drunk and highly emotional. Bokuto lifted himself up enough to take the note, then rolled onto his back to read it.

_Bokuto,_

_I’m very glad you are finally starting to move on from your crush on Kuroo. I never told you, but it was always painful to watch you pine after him, especially because there was nothing I could do to help. Hopefully you’ll finally be able to heal._

_Suga_

_PS. My offer still stands if this doesn’t work out!_

Bokuto snorted at the last line, then came to two realisations at once. First, Suga clearly mentioned that Bokuto had been pining over Kuroo all this time, meaning that Suga had actually figured it out. And second, Kuroo had read the letter and now knew about Bokuto’s pining too.

“What was his offer?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto glanced at him. Kuroo’s face was flushed and he was fidgeting on his spot.

“He just offered to have sex with me if I can’t get laid on my own,” Bokuto said as nonchalantly as he could.

“Oh,” Kuroo said, then added. “I didn’t think he was into men.”

“You didn’t think I was into men either,” Bokuto said, turning his head away from Kuroo. “And we were best friends.”

Kuroo squeaked quietly.

“I wish we still were,” he said equally quietly.

Bokuto pretended not to hear. He wished that it was as simple as saying it and suddenly things would be back to the way they used to be.

“Are you going to have sex with him?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto glanced at him from the corner of his eye and shrugged as much as he could while lying down.

“Maybe,” he said. “I finally got a taste of what it’s like.”

“Wait!” Kuroo interrupted and took a step forward. “Does that mean that… that last night was your first time?”

“Yeah,” Bokuto replied quietly.

Kuroo’s silence was loud, and Bokuto waited for him to say something. His own face was heating up with embarrassment. He didn’t know anyone who had still been virgin at his age.

“But, I mean…” Kuroo tried to put his thoughts into words.

“You read the note,” Bokuto said, getting a bit angry now that the situation was dragging on. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you, so why would I have done it with someone I don’t really want?”

He turned his head away from Kuroo, unable to bear the idea that Kuroo could see his face. His heart was beating loudly again, and he heard Kuroo take one step forward.

“I was sleeping around to forget about you,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto had to turn to look at him. Kuroo looked small again, he was holding the toothbrush in a tight fist, arms shaking and head turned down.

“I thought I made you hate me,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto turned to properly face Kuroo.

“I thought you hated being around me,” Bokuto said. “I thought it would be easier for you if I stayed away because I would always remind you of volleyball.”

Kuroo looked up, his eyes glistening.

“I didn’t think you’d feel that way,” Kuroo said. “When you stopped calling, I didn’t know why. I always hoped you would…”

“That I would stay even when you were telling me to leave?” Bokuto asked, when Kuroo couldn’t get any words out. “I would have, if I didn’t think it was painful to you.”

Kuroo took one more step forward, then slumped onto the bed.

“When you didn’t call me again,” Kuroo said, voice trembling dangerously, “I figured that I had ruined the best relationship I ever had. And I missed my chance to confess to you just because I was always a coward.”

Bokuto sat up, but Kuroo was determinedly looking away from him.

“Because I thought I had ruined everything,” Kuroo said, “I just gave up trying. And I discovered that it was easier to push the pain away when I was drunk, and it was also easier to chat up attractive guys.”

Kuroo’s empty had was a tight fist on his lap. Bokuto wanted to reach out and touch it, he wanted to comfort Kuroo, but he still didn’t know if he was allowed. Too much time had passed between them, and he couldn’t bring back the same comfortable closeness they had once shared.

“I can’t remember the first time I had sex,” Kuroo said quietly. “I can’t remember who I was with. I only know it happened because my ass hurt like hell when I woke up.”

Kuroo sniffled, and that’s what sprung Bokuto into action. Without hesitation he reached out and took a hold of Kuroo’s hand, palm covering the entire fist, and gently he pulled the hand towards him. He took a hold of it with both his hands, and slowly Kuroo let his fist relax.

“Then I met this guy who said he wanted to be my boyfriend,” Kuroo said. “I can’t even remember his name, I was constantly so drunk. He was always ready to buy me more booze when I ran out, and he taught me how to give blowjobs. He did my piercing too.”

Kuroo’s fingers were pushing between Bokuto’s, their hands tangling closer together. Kuroo’s hand was cold.

“I’m not entirely sure,” Kuroo said, “but I think he was selling me to other men.”

“What?” Bokuto gasped.

“I only realised it later,” Kuroo said. “He just kept bringing in men and told me to give them head while he watched. I’m not sure if he really did watch. But I know that every time a guy left, they’d go over to him and give him something.”

“How did you get out of that?” Bokuto asked, heart hurting.

“I’m not sure,” Kuroo said and frowned, eyes brimming with unshed tears. “I once woke up in a hospital, and they said I had alcohol poisoning. I didn’t see him after that. I tried to call him to pick me up but he never answered, and later that day his number went out of order.”

Kuroo’s hand was shaking, but his fingers were starting to warm up under Bokuto’s hand.

“How long ago was this?” Bokuto asked.

Kuroo shook his head.

“I don’t know,” he said, voice miserable. “I started drinking again as soon as I got out. It’s ridiculously easy to find a new party nearly every day, and in between I always found some guy to fuck with and got to sleep on their couches or at least got something to drink.”

Bokuto closed his eyes and squeezed Kuroo’s hand.

“That’s what I was doing last night too,” Kuroo said. “I was just getting started when you showed up, and then I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“What about your studies?” Bokuto asked, eyes still closed.

“I haven’t been going,” Kuroo muttered. “I’ll probably be kicked out.”

Kuroo sniffled, and Bokuto opened his eyes. Kuroo was blinking rapidly, eyes wet, but no tears had escaped them.

“Was it really your first time last night?” Kuroo asked, glancing at Bokuto.

Bokuto nodded.

“Then how did you know how to make it feel so good?” Kuroo asked quietly.

Bokuto was at a loss. When Kuroo had told him that he had lied about certain things, he had also assumed that Kuroo had lied about sex always feeling bad.

“How come it didn’t hurt at all?” Kuroo asked, voice tiny.

“I’ve… I’ve done research,” Bokuto said, face heating up. “And I’ve done it to myself. What I did was very basic. That’s what you should always do.”

Kuroo bit his lip, and a tear slid down his left cheek. It physically hurt Bokuto to see that, and he quickly let go of Kuroo’s hand with one hand to wipe the tear away.

“Why did no one ever do it like that before?” Kuroo whispered.

There were more tears on Kuroo’s face, and Bokuto couldn’t watch. He let go of Kuroo’s hand and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Kuroo, you deserve so much better,” Bokuto gasped against Kuroo’s shoulder.

Kuroo was sobbing quietly, tears soaking into Bokuto’s shirt.

“You deserve so much more than this,” Bokuto said.

Kuroo wrapped his arms around Bokuto’s waist and hugged him tight. It felt familiar, it felt like Kuroo, and Bokuto closed his eyes to stop himself from bursting into tears again. He wanted to be strong because Kuroo couldn’t be. He wanted to be the support he had failed to be before.

“You should have told me you needed help,” Bokuto whispered.

Kuroo squeezed him so tight it was borderline painful, but Bokuto didn’t complain. How could he complain now that his best friend was back? He held Kuroo until the tears calmed down, until Kuroo was no longer sobbing, just sniffling slightly.

“What do you need?” Bokuto asked, thinking that he should get up and get a glass of water for Kuroo.

“You,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto hadn’t expected that, and didn’t know what to say. He sat there, holding Kuroo close, heart beating funny again.

“What do you want from me?” he asked quietly. “Do you… Do you still… like me?”

Kuroo nodded against his shoulder. Bokuto swallowed. He was trying to come up with something to say, when Kuroo lifted his head up and backed away just enough to look at Bokuto.

“Have you moved on from me?” Kuroo asked, eyes red and swollen.

“No,” Bokuto said truthfully.

Kuroo bit his lip.

“But the note said–,” he started to say, but was interrupted by Bokuto.

“Suga doesn’t know I brought you home with me,” Bokuto explained. “He thinks I found someone else.”

“Oh,” was Kuroo’s only response.

They sat there for a while, both avoiding eye contact, still holding each other but with less intensity and raw need.

“So,” Kuroo then said. “Do you still… Last night, when you said you love me… did you mean it as more than… more than friends?”

“Yeah,” Bokuto said and blinked slowly.

“And, and do you think I’m disgusting?” Kuroo asked then, eyes closed and head turned low. “For sleeping around?”

“It makes me sad,” Bokuto said truthfully. “But I don’t think you’re disgusting.”

Kuroo’s lips were trembling.

“I wish you were my first time,” he said. “I messed up so bad.”

“Well,” Bokuto said, trying to quickly come up with something comforting to say. “Sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to. But they can always be fixed.”

“At least I was your first,” Kuroo said. “Being the first you ever had sex with makes me feel… special?”

Kuroo opened his eyes and lifted his head to look at Bokuto, eyes asking a question, as if Kuroo wasn’t sure whether he was allowed to feel special.

“You were also my first kiss,” Bokuto said, hoping that it would make Kuroo feel even better.

“No,” Kuroo said, apprehensive. “You’re just saying, right?”

Bokuto shook his head.

“I mean it,” he said. “Last night was my first everything.”

Kuroo’s hold on Bokuto’s waist loosened until his hands left completely. Kuroo looked stunned.

“All this time,” Kuroo said, seemingly on the verge of tears again, “you were saving yourself for me? While thinking that I didn’t want anything to do with you?”

Bokuto’s cheeks heated up.

“I guess so,” he said quietly, still holding on to Kuroo’s shoulders.

“I wish I had known,” Kuroo said and swallowed thickly, tears starting to pool in his eyes.

“No, Kuroo,” Bokuto said and pulled Kuroo closer again. “Don’t think about it like that. You should feel that you’re so special to me I couldn’t let go. You still are, you’re the most special person to me.”

Kuroo rested his forehead on Bokuto’s shoulder.

“You were always the most special person to me,” Kuroo said, his voice small but certain. “I wish I didn’t fuck up everything.”

“You didn’t,” Bokuto immediately argued. “You can still fix everything.”

Kuroo sniffled, then lifted his head up to meet Bokuto’s gaze.

“Bokuto,” he said. “Can you help me? Can you stay with me? As… as a boyfriend?”

Bokuto wanted to agree immediately, but held back. He stroked Kuroo’s wet cheek.

“Or did I already ruin myself for you?” Kuroo added before Bokuto could answer his first questions.

“No, that’s not it,” Bokuto said. “I want you, Kuroo, just as much as I always did. But I’m worried I won’t be enough for you. I… You know that I have to practice a lot, and I have to travel. As much as I want to stay with you, I can’t always be there.”

Kuroo looked at him with tears in his eyes, but they seemed to be going away.

“You are everything I could ask for,” Kuroo said. “I don’t mind if you have to go for as long as I know that I’m yours.”

“Do you really think that’s enough?” Bokuto asked.

“Yes,” Kuroo said with conviction. “Please, Bokuto. Tell me I’m yours alone, tell me you’ll have me.”

“Of course I’ll have you, silly,” Bokuto said and smiled, although he could feel how his face didn’t light up like it usually did. “If you really want to be mine, then you are mine.”

Kuroo sobbed, but no tears made their way out of his eyes. It must have been a sound of relief, maybe Kuroo had needed to be told that he belonged somewhere.

“Do you have any friends who can help you while I’m gone?” Bokuto asked. “Kenma is maybe too far away if you need urgent company. How about your roommate?”

Kuroo sniffed.

“I haven’t seen him in… weeks? Months?” he said. “He probably thinks I left for good.”

Bokuto tried to think of other people who had been friends with Kuroo, but could suddenly think of no one.

“Can’t I just travel with you until I have my life back together?” Kuroo asked.

It was an unexpected question, because as much as it seemed that Kuroo was no longer bothered by Bokuto’s career as a volleyball player, he had expected Kuroo to want to keep a distance to the game itself.

“I don’t really feel like I can trust anyone,” Kuroo added and looked down.

“Then, do you want to live with me?” Bokuto asked. “There’s plenty of room here.”

Kuroo looked at him with shiny eyes.

“Really?” he asked. “I can stay with you?”

Bokuto nodded, and Kuroo smiled so brightly it lit up his entire face.

“You will stay by my side until we have your life figured out, together,” Bokuto said.

Kuroo smile never wavered as he leaned forward and brought their lips together. Kuroo tasted faintly of cigarettes, but beneath that he was plain Kuroo, and Bokuto kissed him like he had always wanted to, soft lips and a bold tongue, their saliva mingling as he pulled Kuroo closer. Kuroo’s hand was in his hair, and Bokuto wished that it was possible to kiss him more, to make his lips and tongue more intense, he wanted Kuroo to have everything. Vaguely he remembered that he had worried about being too clumsy with no practice, but forgot about any fears when he felt Kuroo’s warm body close to him.

Reluctantly Kuroo pulled away, then lifted his hand that was still holding the toothbrush.

“Should I brush my teeth?” he asked. “I did rub your toothpaste on my teeth after I woke up, but it’s not really the same.”

“I don’t mind either way,” Bokuto said, hand on Kuroo’s warm cheeks ready to pull him back. “I just want to kiss you.”

Kuroo smiled, and they shared a soft kiss before Kuroo pulled back again.

“Hey, Bokuto,” he said, looking uncharacteristically shy. “You really made me feel good last night. Can you… can we do it again?”

Kuroo’s eyes were darting back and forth between Bokuto’s eyes and lips.

“Now?” Bokuto asked.

Kuroo nodded.

“I never thought it could feel so good,” he said. “I want to learn that sex feels good.”

“Of course,” Bokuto said, then pulled Kuroo back into a kiss.

He heard the toothbrush clatter to the floor when Kuroo dropped it to sink his hands into Bokuto’s hair. Kuroo's kiss was needy and wet, and Bokuto couldn't help wondering if that was how someone had taught him to kiss. Kuroo had already had his first kiss before high school, and Bokuto knew that throughout high school Kuroo had occasionally made out with a couple of girls, but in Bokuto's mind those kisses had always been sweet, almost innocent, even though he was aware that Kuroo had groped at least two girls' boobs.

Now that he thought about it, hadn't Kuroo told him that he had always been gay? Then why would Kuroo have been fooling around with girls? He wanted to ask, but he also didn't want to stop kissing Kuroo now that he felt Kuroo's tongue piercing rub over his tongue for the first time. He tried to remember how far from the tip of Kuroo's tongue the piercing was exactly, just so he could know exactly how their kisses hadn't been that deep until now. Kuroo rubbed against his tongue with the metal stud, and Bokuto felt the effects of it in his groin.

He thought about Kuroo blowing him and licking along his erection with the pierced tongue, how the texture of the smooth metal was such a thrill as it was surrounded by the velvety tongue. He wished that the piercing bad been something Kuroo got done because they both had thought that it might be fun, rather than have it done while he was probably too drunk to feel a needle go through his tongue. He didn't know whether Kuroo had even wanted the piercing or if it was the so-called boyfriend who had wanted it more. Maybe one day he would ask Kuroo. Maybe one day Kuroo would take it out. Until then he would try to shut out any bad vibes the piercing might have and enjoy Kuroo's closeness.

He pulled Kuroo closer and lay down, Kuroo following him without breaking the kiss. Kuroo was easily pulled along, he followed everything Bokuto did, up to a point that Bokuto found it alarming.

Gently he pushed Kuroo away and looked at him.

“Did you ever get to take the lead?” he asked. “You don't need to follow me blindly.”

Kuroo looked puzzled, and Bokuto felt sorry for him.

“I don't understand what you mean,” Kuroo voiced out his confusion.

“What do you want me to do?” Bokuto asked. “I will do whatever you ask me to do.”

Kuroo didn't seem to catch on at all, merely blinking at him.

“I… Didn't I already ask?” Kuroo asked hesitantly.

“I want you to specify every single move I make,” Bokuto said. “Can you do that?”

Kuroo was staring at him, clearly without an answer.

“More importantly,” Bokuto added, “do you want to do that? Does it make you uncomfortable? Are you being submissive because you want to be, or because someone told you that it's the right way?”

Kuroo mused for a while, and Bokuto gave him the time.

“But I'm the bottom,” Kuroo finally said.

Bokuto waited, but apparently it was all Kuroo was going to say. He wanted to ask Kuroo to clarify, to explain why being the bottom meant being submissive, but he also didn't want to make Kuroo cry again. He wondered what the best approach would be, but Kuroo interrupted his thoughts.

“Don't you like it?” Kuroo asked with a miserable look on his face. “You don't like me bottoming for you?”

“That's not what I meant,” Bokuto said, and thought for a little moment. “Before your first time, how did you always imagine sex? Did you imagine you would top or bottom?”

“But,” Kuroo said slowly. “I'm more suitable for bottoming?”

Bokuto frowned, worry pooling inside him.

“What do you mean more suitable?” he asked. “There's no such thing.”

“But my body is...” Kuroo let his voice drift off.

“You top or bottom based on what you want,” Bokuto said firmly, making sure that Kuroo was looking at him. “You decide which you want to do.”

Kuroo looked lost, and Bokuto was starting to wonder if they should stop trying to have sex and have a proper conversation about sex first. He would have imagined that Kuroo had knowledge of sex, but it appeared that if there had been any prior knowledge, it had been pushed aside by someone who had selfishly only wanted a hole to fuck.

“Before you had sex for the first time,” Bokuto asked again, “did you imagine yourself topping or bottoming?”

Kuroo bit his lips looking increasingly uncomfortable.

“Tetsurou,” Bokuto said, and the sound of his first name gave Kuroo's eyes new life. “There is no right or wrong answer. Just tell me what you used to fantasize about.”

“I was never interested in being the bottom,” Kuroo said so quietly it was hardly more than a whisper.

“Okay,” Bokuto said and took a hold of Kuroo's hand in the hopes that it would help reassure Kuroo. “So you always wanted to be the top. Do you still think that topping would be more fun than bottoming?”

Kuroo shook his head, but Bokuto was almost certain that it was a nervous shake rather than an answer. He might never find out what Kuroo's shitty boyfriend had made him believe about roles in the bedroom, but he would make sure that with him Kuroo could be what he truly wanted to be. Kuroo squeezed his hand tighter.

“Until last night I would have said yes,” Kuroo said, voice trembling slightly. “But you made it feel so good I... I would really like to feel that good again.”

Bokuto smiled and stroked Kuroo's hair off his face, even though it immediately started to slide back.

“You will always feel good,” Bokuto said. “I promise you. Every time we have sex, I will make you feel good.”

Kuroo smiled nervously.

“What do you want to do right now?” Bokuto asked. “I will top if you want me to, but I will also let you be the first to take me if that's what you prefer.”

Kuroo's mouth opened, but it took a moment before he spoke.

“You never had sex with anyone,” he said. “I could... You would let me be your first?”

“Uh huh,” Bokuto agreed and nodded.

“I've never done it before,” Kuroo said and looked down at their hands that were still clutched together. “I might accidentally hurt you.”

“I'll teach you,” Bokuto said. “And I will gladly be your first.”

Kuroo's face lit up.

“That's right,” Kuroo said and looked at Bokuto. “It would be my first time. You can still be my first.”

Bokuto smiled and stroked Kuroo's knuckles with his thumb.

“You can decide what you want,” he said.

Kuroo pondered for a moment, looking much more at ease now, although still unusually tense.

“I,” he said, then cleared his throat and averted his eyes. “Would you... do me again? I want to, I feel like that way I'll learn better.”

“Sure,” Bokuto said and kissed Kuroo.

Kuroo was now eagerly tugging on Bokuto’s shirt, so Bokuto helped him take it off, then reached for the hem of Kuroo’s shirt to pull it off too. Kuroo smiled almost bashfully when his chest was revealed, and Bokuto liked this side of Kuroo more than the overly eager side from the previous night when Kuroo had been so direct he hadn’t even asked Bokuto before touching. Kuroo’s face was flushed, and Bokuto smiled, he stroked Kuroo’s chest, he stroked Kuroo’s ribs, and he felt Kuroo watching his face.

“You preferred me when I was still fit,” Kuroo said suddenly.

Bokuto looked up.

“Why do you think that?” he asked.

Kuroo frowned.

“You liked me back when I was still an athlete,” Kuroo reasoned. “Doesn’t that mean that you also liked my body when it was stronger than this?”

“Of course,” Bokuto said, and stroked over Kuroo’s torso before stopping his hands on Kuroo’s hips. “But that doesn’t mean that I dislike your body now.”

“But you’d prefer muscle to skinny,” Kuroo insisted.

Bokuto shook his head.

“It’s still your body,” he said. “That’s all that matters to me.”

Kuroo didn’t look exactly convinced, so Bokuto thought it best to divert his thoughts a bit.

“Why don’t you touch me too?” he asked. “I want to feel your hands on me.”

Kuroo looked like Bokuto had just reminded him of something he should have remembered, but the way his reached out to press his hands onto Bokuto’s chest was hesitant.

“I only know how to use my mouth properly,” Kuroo mumbled, breaking Bokuto’s heart all over again.

“Then you’ll learn,” Bokuto said rather than starting a discussion. “Don’t be scared. Just touch me everywhere you want.”

Kuroo swallowed and looked at Bokuto's chest, then slowly slid his hands over Bokuto's pecs. He squeezed the muscle gently with his fingers, and as simple as the touch was, Bokuto found himself getting extremely turned on. Kuroo's fingers were cool, they slowly explored the expanse of Bokuto's chest and moved to his waist, then Kuroo hesitated again. Bokuto smiled, and Kuroo returned the smile, although it wasn't as bright as Bokuto had gotten used to. Bokuto hoped that distracting Kuroo from his direct attention would help with his confidence, so he pulled Kuroo into a kiss, mouths open so their tongues could meet halfway, and Bokuto pressed his own hands onto Kuroo's body again, stroking Kuroo's back and even copping a feel of his ass. Kuroo hummed, it was a pleased sound, and it made Bokuto feel that he could help Kuroo heal. Kuroo's issues could be fixed.

Bokuto let himself enjoy the way Kuroo's hands mapped out his upper body slow and timid, the touch something he had always dreamed of, had wanted it so bad, and now he could have it. Kuroo slid his hands down to Bokuto's hips this time. Bokuto moved his hands to Kuroo's hips too, and pulled him closer. Their groins pressed together, and to his concern Bokuto discovered that Kuroo wasn't hard at all.

It was clear that Kuroo didn't want to break the kiss, but Bokuto needed to make sure everything else was fine, so he gently pushed Kuroo away.

“Are you doing okay?” he asked. “Are you feeling it at all? Should we stop?”

“No!” Kuroo replied immediately, urgency in his voice. “I'm sorry I'm not hard yet!”

“Tetsurou,” Bokuto said, hoping that no one else had used Kuroo's first name in bedroom and thus the name would help Kuroo understand that Bokuto really cared. “It's fine if you're not feeling it. We don't have to go all the way. We can stop completely, or we can just kiss.”

“No, I want it,” Kuroo said, desperation still apparent.

“If you're sure that you're ready,” Bokuto said.

“I am,” Kuroo insisted. “I... I guess I'm just nervous so it's hard to... I really want you, Bokuto. Koutarou.”

Bokuto's heart jumped.

“If you're sure,” Bokuto repeated.

When there was no argument from Kuroo, Bokuto kissed him again, then pulled away with an idea.

“Hey, Tetsurou,” he said. “Can I suck you off?”

Kuroo looked scandalized by the idea.

“I really want to try it,” Bokuto continued. “I'll probably be really bad at it.”

Kuroo's eyes were wide. He was just about to say something, when Bokuto realised what the problem might be.

“Don’t tell me this is one more thing your horrible boyfriend told you,” Bokuto said. “Did he tell you that tops don’t give head?”

Kuroo’s mouth was open, and he sighed.

“I guess,” he said.

“That’s not true,” Bokuto said. “Besides, didn’t we just establish that you’re still more interested in being a top? If it’s easier for you to accept that only bottoms suck dick, try to think about me as your bottom.”

Kuroo looked like he wanted to argue, but then merely nodded. Bokuto smiled as sweetly as he could, then tugged on the waistband of Kuroo’s jeans.

“Will you take these off for me?” he asked. “They’re so tight I don’t understand how you managed to get into them.”

Kuroo laughed, face lighting up, and for a moment he looked exactly like Bokuto remembered him. Kuroo got up, opened the button and zipper, then slowly wiggled out of the jeans, watching Bokuto, whose eyes were focused on the way Kuroo’s body moved.

“You really do want me,” Kuroo said out loud.

Bokuto reluctantly lifted his eyes away from Kuroo’s crotch and looked at his face.

“Of course I do,” he said.

Kuroo smiled, then gripped the waistband of his underwear and pulled down the briefs. His cock was still mostly soft, but Bokuto wanted to think that it had gotten at least a bit harder. He beckoned Kuroo to return to bed, and Kuroo did, albeit a bit slowly. Bokuto, on the other hand, slid off the bed and kneeled on the floor next to Kuroo’s legs.

“Hey,” Bokuto said and ran his fingertips over Kuroo's thigh. “Have you ever gotten a blowjob?”

Kuroo thought for a moment.

“I'm not sure,” he said. “At least I don't remember.”

Bokuto pressed a thoughtful kiss on his knee.

“I feel so bad knowing that you can't remember everything,” he said, but then looked up at Kuroo's face. “But let's not focus on that now. How would you feel about spreading your legs for me?”

He smiled sweetly, and to his joy Kuroo chuckled.

“Didn't I already do that last night?” Kuroo asked and opened his legs a bit.

“Well, you were drunk,” Bokuto noted, sliding his hand over Kuroo's inner thigh. “I like this more timid side of you too.”

Kuroo snorted, but couldn't quite hide the little bit of uneasiness underneath.

“I guess I've never been sober while having sex,” he said thoughtfully.

Bokuto moved to sit between Kuroo's legs, gently nudging them wider apart.

“If it's too much, I'll stop,” he said. “Hey, Tetsurou, if you're uncomfortable, you'll have to tell me.”

Kuroo looked taken aback, but then smiled.

“Yeah,” he said, although his tone did leave Bokuto wondering if he actually would.

He could only hope that Kuroo wouldn’t force himself to do anything he didn’t want to do, and that he had the foresight to notice any changes in Kuroo’s demeanour and stop in case it seemed too much. His hand was resting on Kuroo’s inner thigh, right next to his cock. He hadn’t touched it before, and the thought excited him. He pressed a kiss onto Kuroo’s other thigh, then slid his hand over his junk. Kuroo wasn’t completely flaccid anymore, but Bokuto did wonder if he was too nervous to get properly hard.

“I can’t believe you’re touching my dick,” Kuroo said quietly.

Bokuto looked up at him with a smile.

“Me neither,” he said.

Kuroo licked his lips, and Bokuto cupped his cock and balls in his palm, his cheek resting against Kuroo’s knee. Seeing Kuroo naked like this was odd, but the exciting kind. He moved his hand, touched the coarse hair with his fingertips and followed it up towards Kuroo’s navel, the trail thinning out around his lower abdomen. Kuroo’s pubic hair wasn’t very thick but it was completely untamed and wild. He continued trailing over the hair and Kuroo’s skin with his fingertips, fascinated by the way he was touching such an intimate part of Kuroo. Kuroo’s tummy constricted, then relaxed, Bokuto liked the way his muscles responded to the touches. Kuroo was now getting hard, so Bokuto decided it was the best time to try what he had set out to try. He placed his hand on Kuroo’s hip, then slowly kissed his way over Kuroo’s thigh, closer and closer to his destination, leaving a wet trail of saliva behind. Kuroo spread his legs more, and Bokuto glanced up to see if it caused him unease. Kuroo didn’t look uncomfortable, so he focused on his lower regions again, nose finally pushing against the half-hard cock.

“Bokuto– Koutarou,” Kuroo sighed.

Bokuto glanced up again, but Kuroo didn’t look scared. He was biting his lip, intensely watching what Bokuto was doing, and Bokuto pressed an especially wet kiss onto his shaft. Kuroo’s cock felt odd against his mouth, and he licked over the hardening length, tasting sweat. He wished that Kuroo would grab his hair, but Kuroo was leaning on his hands that were fisted around the beddings.

Bokuto opened his mouth and took the cock inside. It felt odd, and he wasn’t sure if sucking cock was ever going to become a thing he’d enjoy doing, but at least it wasn’t horrible. He sucked lightly and was rewarded by a quiet squeak from Kuroo. He shifted a bit, placed both hands onto Kuroo’s hips, and took the cock back in his mouth. He did his best to suck the growing member, occasionally reminding himself to watch his teeth, trying to figure out how to simultaneously suck and use his tongue, and all the while Kuroo was starting to moan louder, more often, until he was fully hard and called Bokuto’s name.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo groaned, and placed a hand on Bokuto’s head.

Bokuto had the tip of his cock in his mouth, hand stimulating the length he couldn’t fit inside. Kuroo carded his fingers into Bokuto’s hair and tugged just a little.

“No more, Koutarou,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto immediately pulled back and looked up to see if Kuroo was having second thoughts. Instead he saw a completely different Kuroo, face flushed and lower lips swollen, so Kuroo must have been sucking on it. His eyes were half-lidded, the look in them shining just like it always did when Kuroo was happy.

“Are you okay?” Bokuto asked anyway.

“I’m too close,” Kuroo said. “I can’t believe how fast you got me there.”

Bokuto stood up and stretched before sitting on the bed next to Kuroo.

“It must be how much I like you,” Kuroo said, not looking at Bokuto. “Just knowing that it’s you is more intense than anything.”

Bokuto smiled and kissed Kuroo’s shoulder. Kuroo turned his head towards him.

“Wait,” Kuroo then said, and without warning cupped Bokuto’s erection. “You stayed hard?”

The utter disbelief in Kuroo’s eyes amused Bokuto, but it also reminded him of how shitty all the people Kuroo had ever slept with had been.

“Obviously,” he said. “How could I not when I’m finally with you?”

He paused, wondering if he had the courage to say what he had thought.

“You know,” he said, not meeting Kuroo’s eyes. “You’re my dream man. You’re everything I ever wanted and then more.”

Kuroo let out a strangled sound. Bokuto peeked at him from under his brows. Kuroo’s cheeks were flaming red, the blush spreading up to his ears and back to his nape.

“How can you just say that,” Kuroo mumbled, but smiled.

“I waited too long,” Bokuto said. “I should have told you years ago.”

Kuroo laughed.

“You really should have,” he said. “But the same goes for me. I should have told you how much you mean to me, right from the beginning. You were always special to me, and you continue to be the best friend I could have ever asked for. And… and the best boyfriend I could imagine.”

Bokuto smiled, there was nothing else he could do. He looked at Kuroo’s red cheeks, his soft lips, his shining eyes.

“Will you fuck me now?” Kuroo asked, eyes sparkling just like usual.

Bokuto snorted.

“At the risk of sounding cheesy,” he said, “no, I won’t fuck you, because I’ll make love to you.”

Kuroo swooned playfully, then leaned in for a kiss. Bokuto pushed him onto the bed and placed a pillow under his hips to lift them up a bit. Kuroo’s sparkling smile had died down a bit, nervousness taking over, but Bokuto let it be for the time being and reached to the bedside table for lube and a condom. He placed the rubber on the bed, shifting his position until he had to ask Kuroo.

“Are you still okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Kuroo breathed.

Kuroo was still tenser than usual, but he opened his legs willingly and smiled, eyes following Bokuto’s every move. The lube bottle opened with a clack that was too loud in the quiet of the room, and Bokuto swallowed. He suddenly realised how much more drunk he had been than he had thought, because now that he was sober he felt awkward squeezing lube onto his fingers, knowing that Kuroo expected him to deliver the same pleasure he had the previous night.

“Why are _you_ so nervous?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto froze and looked up to Kuroo’s face.

“It’s still new to me,” he said without real conviction.

“But you know how to do it,” Kuroo said. “You know what to do.”

“Yeah,” Bokuto said. “But it’s different to do it to myself and use a dildo than do it to someone else.”

Kuroo raised his head a bit to get a better look at Bokuto.

“You own a dildo?” he asked.

Bokuto’s face was burning and he wished that he hadn’t let it slip.

“Well, yeah,” he said. “I got it from some friends as a gag gift.”

“But you’ve used it,” Kuroo stated and relaxed on the bed.

“How could I resist?” Bokuto mumbled.

“So you always wanted to feel what it’s like to be penetrated?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto squeezed more lube onto his fingers, then placed them between Kuroo’s ass cheeks to guide any dripping lube there. Kuroo squirmed when the liquid hit his skin.

“It’s cold,” Kuroo complained, but opened his legs wider to better accommodate Bokuto between them.

“Porn makes it seem so good,” Bokuto said, eyes focused on Kuroo’s twitching pucker. “I wanted to know if it really is.”

“Is it?” Kuroo asked. “I mean, for you? Did you like it?”

Bokuto’s entire face was on fire, his ears burning just as badly, and he wondered how red he was. He pressed the tips of his fingers onto Kuroo’s hole, spread the lube around the muscle.

“Yeah,” he said.

“When did you first try it?” Kuroo asked, then whimpered when Bokuto pressed a finger against his hole a bit more firmly.

“A bit after moving in,” Bokuto mumbled.

He squirted more lube straight to Kuroo’s ass, making him jolt and complain about the cold again.

“How was it?” Kuroo asked. “Did you immediately like it?”

Bokuto glanced at him with a pout.

“If you want a detailed description, just say so,” he said, then realised it was a mistake when Kuroo’s face lit up.

“Tell me everything,” Kuroo said without missing a beat. “I want to know.”

Bokuto was circling Kuroo’s hole, watching how it twitched, almost begging to be breached open. He swiped over it, making Kuroo whimper.

“The first time I couldn’t get much of it in,” he said, “so I was disappointed. But I did like fingering myself.”

“ _The first time_?” Kuroo asked. “Does that mean there were other times?”

Bokuto pressed harder against Kuroo’s entrance, and his fingertip slipped inside. It felt easy, it felt slippery enough, and he was pleased that he had learned early on that too much lube made things much more enjoyable than hardly any lube.

“The second time I kind of forced more of it in,” Bokuto said, not looking at Kuroo’s face. “It hurt a bit, but not that much really.”

“You’re the one who said sex should never hurt,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto frowned and pushed his finger farther inside, glancing at Kuroo’s face to see if it was fine.

“I was impatient,” Bokuto said. “But you really should work up to it. First start with something small, then increase it slowly. But I didn’t have another toy to use and I wanted to feel it.”

Bokuto’s entire finger was inside Kuroo now, the hole greedily sucking it in, and he started moving it back and forth slowly.

“Are you implying that the toy is big?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto smirked, moving his finger a bit faster, gradually increasing the pace.

“Yeah, I guess so,” he said.

“Fuck,” Kuroo said and groaned, and Bokuto couldn’t tell if it was a comment on his toy or the finger up his ass. “You’ll have to show me.”

“If you insist,” Bokuto mumbled. “I can take it easier now.”

“And you like it?” Kuroo asked, then moaned when Bokuto curled his finger against his prostate.

Bokuto gathered all the courage he had, and turned to look Kuroo dead in the eyes.

“I love riding it as hard as I possibly can,” he said.

Kuroo gasped, and Bokuto turned to look at his finger in Kuroo’s ass again.

“That sounds so sexy,” Kuroo said in awe. “I want to see it sometime.”

“You want to watch me fuck a toy?” Bokuto asked.

He started teasing Kuroo’s rim with a second finger.

“Of course,” Kuroo said. “Fuck, I really want to see you take it.”

Bokuto snorted quietly. His face might have been burning worse than ever before, but hearing Kuroo so genuinely turned on by the thought of him doing something sexual was making his cock ache. He pressed the second finger slowly past the tight pucker of Kuroo’s entrance, meeting little resistance.

“Will you prep me for it?” he asked then and glanced at Kuroo’s face to see him watching. “Or do you want to watch me finger myself too?”

“Oh,” Kuroo said in surprise, then went quiet.

Bokuto glanced at his face again and saw him thoughtful. Preparing for anal sex was clearly something Kuroo didn’t register as the norm, and that made Bokuto’s stomach churn. He focused on feeling how tight Kuroo was around his fingers, squeezing them together as he moved them carefully, scissored them to ease the tightness.

“I don’t know,” Kuroo finally said. “It might be fun to watch you. But I also want to learn how to do it for you.”

“It’s not hard,” Bokuto said.

He curled his fingers to rub against Kuroo’s prostate, and Kuroo moaned.

“How do you do that?” Kuroo asked. “How do you make it feel so good?”

Bokuto raised his eyebrow and turned to look at Kuroo’s face again. He found Kuroo genuinely questioning, which probably shouldn’t have surprised him.

“Don’t you know about the prostate?” he asked.

Kuroo scoffed.

“Of course I know about the prostate,” he said. “What about it?”

Bokuto smiled and shook his head.

“Let me rephrase that,” he said. “Don’t you know about the prostate in relation to sex?”

Kuroo frowned, then moaned when Bokuto pressed against his prostate again. His cock jumped, and Bokuto wondered if he could make Kuroo come just by rubbing on his prostate with two fingers.

“What do you mean in relation to sex?” Kuroo asked, suddenly out of breath, and moaned.

“It makes anal sex so much fun,” Bokuto said and punctuated his words by pressing harder against the spot inside Kuroo. “Some guys can come untouched just from their prostate.”

Kuroo moaned, and his entire body jumped. He didn’t respond to Bokuto’s words, but he didn’t need to. Bokuto eased the teasing and scissored his fingers again, wondering how soon he could add a third one without making Kuroo uncomfortable. He pulled his fingers almost all the way out and teased the rim with a third finger, pressing it just enough to spread the hole wider but not enough to push it in.

“Have you ever come untouched?” Kuroo asked, still breathing hard.

Bokuto hummed and tried adding the third finger, finding it easy to slip it in.

“No,” he said. “It’s a bit hard to do to yourself. Of course I tried with the toy, but it’s not really the best for it.”

“Maybe I can do it for you,” Kuroo said quietly, and Bokuto wasn’t sure if he was meant to hear it.

He pushed his fingers in slowly, this time finding some resistance from Kuroo.

“Try to relax a bit,” he said. “Or is this really all you can take now? We don’t have to try to go all the way.”

“I want it all the way,” Kuroo said, and Bokuto looked at him to see him pouting.

“I’m not going to put my dick in if it hurts,” Bokuto said.

“It doesn’t hurt,” Kuroo insisted. “I’m fine.”

Bokuto frowned, but did press his fingers forward, intently watching Kuroo’s face for any signs of pain. Kuroo was gently biting his lip but seemed to be doing fine, so he kept going until the fingers were all the way inside.

“Does it hurt?” Bokuto asked.

Kuroo shook his head.

“I can take it,” he said.

Bokuto smiled, but he felt his heart squeezing in the wrong way again.

“I know you can,” he said. “But I don’t want to hurt you. You promised to tell me if it hurts.”

Kuroo looked at him, their eyes meeting properly. Bokuto felt a weird connection between them, like suddenly they could both understand each other without words, like the distance that had built between them over the past months was suddenly wiped away and they were back together, best friends who hung out too often, who sat too closely together and laughed when they should have been quiet. Kuroo was with him, Kuroo had always been with him.

Then Kuroo blinked, and the moment was over.

“It doesn’t hurt,” Kuroo said. “I promise, it doesn’t.”

Bokuto had to believe him, and he started moving his fingers, slowly working Kuroo open. They weren’t talking anymore, both focused on what was going on. Bokuto listened to all the sounds Kuroo made, trying to find the tiniest hint of pain as his fingers pierced the tight hole open. He added some lube just to make sure there was enough, and Kuroo laughed at the squelching sounds his fingers made as he moved them harder. Kuroo groaned impatiently, so he spread the fingers as much as he could, trying to determine whether Kuroo was ready for his cock or not.

Eventually Bokuto was satisfied that Kuroo might be able to take his cock without hurting, and he pulled his fingers out. He took the condom in hand, but couldn’t open it with his slippery fingers, so Kuroo sat up and took it from him.

“Let me,” Kuroo said and smiled, the odd shyness back on his face and in his voice.

Kuroo opened the packet and rolled the condom over Bokuto’s aching cock, the hands bringing Bokuto some much needed stimulation.

“You’re so hard,” Kuroo said and stroked Bokuto’s cock a few times. “How do you have the patience to wait when you’re like this, I’ll never know.”

“It’s because I love you,” Bokuto said, then blushed furiously when he realised what he had just let out.

Kuroo smiled and lay back down, hips still slightly propped up by the pillow under them. His legs were spread, his entrance glistening with lube, and he pulled his legs open more to reveal his hole properly.

“I want you so bad,” Kuroo said breathily.

Bokuto bit his lip and tried to compose himself. He was afraid that he might blow his load before getting much done, but he couldn’t exactly sit there and wait for long. He rubbed some lube over his cock before settling between Kuroo’s legs.

“Hurry,” Kuroo complained.

Bokuto smiled at him, then turned to see what he was doing. Slowly he positioned his cock against Kuroo’s rim, and equally slowly he started pushing it. It went in easier than he had expected, but he did glance at Kuroo’s face to see if Kuroo was still fine.

“I’ve never seen anyone look at me like that,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto was too busy to hold himself back to talk, but he raised his brows in question. Kuroo smiled.

“Your eyes are so full of concern for my well-being,” Kuroo said. “And love.”

Bokuto spluttered, hips accidentally canting forward a bit too roughly, and Kuroo groaned, arching his back.

“Sorry,” Bokuto gasped.

“It’s good,” Kuroo said, head thrown back and throat exposed. “You feel so good inside me, Koutarou. Give me everything, please, please, I want it.”

Bokuto swallowed, but decided to go for it. He pushed his cock the rest of the way in, then stopped to get used to Kuroo’s tight heat surrounding him.

“Fuck, you’re so good,” Kuroo said.

He groaned and his hole twitched, then he relaxed and turned to look at Bokuto.

“Hey, Koutarou,” he said, and Bokuto immediately knew he was going to say something sad. “You’re the first one to not take me from behind.”

Bokuto bit his lip and tried to ignore the painful squeeze in his gut. He looked at Kuroo’s dreamy eyes, how Kuroo looked at him in awe, and he tried harder to shut out the part of him that told him Kuroo was so awed because no one had ever shown him any common decency in the bedroom.

“Why do you keep breaking my heart like this,” he muttered, uncertain of whether he wanted Kuroo to hear or not.

“I’m sorry,” Kuroo said.

“It’s not your fault,” Bokuto said.

It was quiet, and Bokuto suddenly thought that he shouldn’t have said that. Kuroo’s thoughts were probably back in a dark place, so he quickly clung to the first thing he could think about.

“Besides,” he hurried to say, “I’m not taking you. I want you to feel like you’re giving it to me. I don’t want to take. I want you to give.”

“Koutarou,” was all Kuroo said, the look of quiet awe back on his face.

Bokuto rolled his hips, Kuroo’s insides slippery and tight around him, and it felt just as good as it had the previous night. He could hardly believe that he was inside Kuroo of all people, he had finally gotten Kuroo like he had always dreamed of.

“That feels good,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto moved his hips a bit faster but kept his motions smooth, hoping that whatever he was doing was exactly what Kuroo needed. He wished that he knew for a fact how to make Kuroo feel exceptionally good, but he could only go by his gut, move his hips a bit more and watch Kuroo’s reactions to figure it out.

He needed to figure out what made Kuroo moan, and the thought excited him. They would stay together, and he would have countless opportunities to make Kuroo feel good, learn how to make him see stars and his body squirm out of control. He wanted to make Kuroo scream with passion, he wanted to find every spot that made Kuroo sigh. Kuroo’s cock was fat and rolling back and forth over his lower abdomen as Bokuto thrust into him, and he was feeling extremely proud to know that Kuroo had remained hard throughout the preparations and was still feeling it.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo said and reached a hand towards Bokuto.

Bokuto took a hold of the hand and squeezed it, shifted a bit and started fucking into Kuroo faster. He still hadn’t figured the right angle to hit Kuroo’s prostate, but this time he wanted to find it. He didn’t know how much of a difference it would make for Kuroo, but he wanted to be the first to at least try his hardest to make Kuroo feel just as good – if not better – than he was feeling with his cock deep inside him.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo said, voice somehow different, and Bokuto looked up to see tears in his eyes. “I love you so much. I should have done my everything to be with you sooner.”

“You’re with me now,” Bokuto said, squeezing Kuroo’s hand. “I’m with you. Tetsurou, I’m with you.”

Kuroo sniffled, then moaned, his hold of Bokuto’s hand hard as a vice.

“I should have waited for you,” Kuroo said, words getting slightly slurred together. “I wish I never let you go.”

Bokuto bent down to kiss Kuroo, then reached out to take a hold of Kuroo’s hand that was holding on to the sheets.

“I’m sorry I never called you,” Kuroo continued and hiccupped. “I’m sorry I was so stupid.”

“You don’t have to apologise,” Bokuto said, already wondering if he should stop and let Kuroo calm down.

Then Kuroo moaned louder, eyes widening and mouth hanging open, and Bokuto knew he had found the right angle.

“What did you do?” Kuroo asked. “How did you do that?”

Bokuto rolled his hips again, aiming his cock straight to Kuroo’s prostate, and was rewarded with another loud moan.

“That’s so good, Koutarou,” Kuroo said. “Please, more, don’t stop.”

Kuroo was begging even after Bokuto continued thrusting against the spot, trying his hardest to hit every time. Kuroo was a babbling mess, hands squeezing Bokuto’s so hard it was getting painful, but Bokuto continued, his cock sliding in and out, Kuroo’s insides squeezing him hard. He felt his orgasm approaching, hot pleasure already pooling in his tummy, but he didn’t want to come first, he didn’t want to be the selfish asshole who didn’t first get their partner off. There wasn’t much he could do, however, as Kuroo was holding both his hands, and he didn’t want to change the position in case he would be unable to find the correct angle again.

“Please,” Kuroo said, nearly crying, and Bokuto hoped it was from pleasure.

He tipped over the edge sooner than he expected, Kuroo’s hole incredibly tight around his cock, and he rocked his hips into the hot tightness to ride out his orgasm, eyes shut and a loud groan slipping from his throat. He felt Kuroo moving his hips and pulled one hand free of Kuroo’s grip. He opened his eyes to see where Kuroo’s cock was, took it in his hands, and jerked it urgently. Kuroo had been leaking pre-come and it had made the tip of his cock slippery, pooling over his stomach, and Bokuto used it to lubricate his hand. Kuroo’s back was a beautiful arch, ass tight around Bokuto’s cock, and with a few more strokes he came, moaning long and low, his load spilling up to his chest.

Bokuto continued stroking until Kuroo was twitching with oversensitivity. Kuroo was babbling incessantly, telling him to keep going, but he hesitated. He did start stroking again, but more gently, getting into oversensitivity himself with Kuroo's ass twitching around his spent cock. However, there was something captivating in the way Kuroo's face was frowning in pleasure, how his cheeks were glowing and his eyes opening and closing like he was struggling to stay conscious. His body was jerking, yet he didn't stop telling Bokuto to go on, so Bokuto did, now jerking him in earnest again, wondering how far Kuroo was willing to take himself. How far he himself could go before he'd have to pull out.

Kuroo was sobbing and it was getting harder to tell whether he was telling Bokuto to stop or go on. Bokuto hesitated and slowed down, but Kuroo turned to glare at him.

"Don't you dare stop before I come," Kuroo managed to say before succumbing to the moans again.

Bokuto complied, applying more pressure to Kuroo's cock, making sure to swipe his thumb over the tip to touch the specific spot that made Kuroo's body trash. Kuroo was squeezing his hand so hard his fingers were losing feeling, and Kuroo's free hand was in his own hair, pulling it hard. Bokuto's cock was aching, and it wasn't entirely pleasant at this point, but he didn't want to stop, he needed to give Kuroo everything he asked for, Kuroo was worth some discomfort. The thought didn't stop his hips from jerking each time Kuroo's insides tightened around his cock, which was constant at this point. His arm was getting sore, but Kuroo's moans were so loud that he must have been close.

"Kou-," Kuroo tried to say, but each attempt dissolved into a moan.

Bokuto squeezed Kuroo's cock harder, and the next swipe over the tip of his cock was all it took. Kuroo's body was trashing on the bed, thighs shaking as his cock lazily spurted out some come onto his tummy. Bokuto stroked him through the orgasm, finding pleasure in seeing Kuroo's body so wrecked with pleasure and tears in the corners of his eyes as he sobbed.

And suddenly it was calm. Bokuto carefully pulled out of Kuroo, causing them both to grunt, although Kuroo was louder. Bokuto collapsed on the bed, half on top of Kuroo, Kuroo's come smearing onto his skin.

"Fuck," he mumbled.

With shaky hands he somehow managed to take off the condom before melting into a puddle.

"Holy shit," Kuroo mumbled but didn't move.

They both remained quiet, just breathing. Bokuto wondered if he was too heavy on Kuroo, but didn't find the strength to ask or move. He felt Kuroo's hip bone sharp against his stomach, but it wasn't too uncomfortable yet. He'd move once it got too much.

"I feel like I just died and went to heaven," Kuroo said slowly.

Bokuto grunted in response.

"Bokuto," Kuroo said quietly. "Koutarou. I can't believe what just happened."

"You better," Bokuto muttered, then finally rolled over just enough to not lie on Kuroo. "My arm is sore so you better believe it."

Kuroo turned to lie in his side and smiled. His smile was the one Bokuto had gotten used to seeing, and it warmed his heart to see. He forced his arm to move to wipe a bead of sweat off Kuroo's brow and smiled too.

"Hey," he said, going serious. "You really meant everything you said, right? That you want to stay with me?"

"Yes," Kuroo said, then frowned a bit. "You meant what you said too, didn't you? You really love me? And, and I can stay with you?"

"Yes, of course," Bokuto said and stroked Kuroo's cheek. "I meant every word."

Kuroo smiled and his eyes glistened.

"You don't know how much that means to me," he said quietly.

"I can imagine," Bokuto replied.

They smiled at each other for a moment.

"Hey," Kuroo then said. "Is Suga the Suga from Karasuno?"

Bokuto nodded.

"You became friends," Kuroo stated, and Bokuto couldn't interpret the tone of his voice.

"We go to the same gym," Bokuto said. "He doesn't play anymore."

"Oh," Kuroo said, then remained quiet.

"Maybe he could be your friend too," Bokuto said. "It would be good for you to have a new friend."

"Maybe," Kuroo said, but was clearly not sold on the idea.

"He would be glad to be your friend," Bokuto said. "Unless you have something against him?"

Kuroo shook his head, but something was bothering him. Bokuto didn't know if he should ask or let the topic go. Maybe Kuroo would open up without him having to ask? But the silence stretched on.

"Is there something I should know?" Bokuto finally asked.

Kuroo looked at him for a moment before replying.

"No," he said. "Well, maybe... maybe I'm a bit jealous."

"Why?" Bokuto asked.

Kuroo bit his lip.

"He wants to have sex with you, doesn't he?" he then said. "I just... it feels bad."

Bokuto cooed and kissed Kuroo.

"You have nothing to worry about," he said. "I only have eyes for you."

Kuroo smiled, almost bashful.

"Maybe I'll learn to live with it," he said.

Bokuto smiled and pulled Kuroo closer to kiss him again.

"We should get cleaned up," he said.

Kuroo groaned and wrapped his arms around Bokuto's waist.

"Not yet," Kuroo said. "I want to stay here for a moment longer."

Bokuto laughed and hugged Kuroo. The tips of their noses were nearly touching and they both smiled. Kuroo's smile had something tired in it, but Bokuto was sure that with time it would turn back to the way it used to be. He wanted to be there when it happened. He wanted to help Kuroo get there.

“I really do love you,” he whispered.

Kuroo answered with a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is all I've been thinking about for the past weeks, and I'm glad I finally got it together! This chapter is the actual fic. The second chapter will be the short scenes I thought of while writing this, because I can't make this into yet another series with a sequel or two.
> 
> It's 1 at night and I just edited this, and maybe it would be smart to wait until tomorrow before posting, but I'm just going to hope there aren't any major issues I overlooked.


	2. Chapter 2

The doorbell woke him up. Bokuto groggily opened his eyes but couldn’t see the clock on his nightstand. He faintly remembered kicking it to the floor during sex the previous day, and with a groan of frustration he sat up.

“Who is it?” Kuroo mumbled from somewhere under the sheets.

“I don’t know,” Bokuto responded.

He staggered to the door and looked through the peephole to see Suga’s bright smile greeting him. He opened the door and yawned.

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” Suga chirped and came in.

Bokuto closed the door.

“You weren’t picking up your phone, so I thought I’d come over to make sure you haven’t been brutally murdered,” Suga chattered as he took off his shoes. “I must say, I wasn’t expecting such an amazing greeting.”

Suga pointedly glanced down to Bokuto’s groin, and Bokuto suddenly realised he wasn’t wearing anything. He looked around, still in a sleepy haze, but couldn’t find a single piece of clothing to shield himself. Suga laughed and flopped onto the couch.

“I take it you still have company,” he said cheerily. “You had him stay two nights? That’s serious!”

“Oh, shut up,” Bokuto muttered and headed to the bedroom to get dressed.

“I can make you breakfast,” Suga offered, but Bokuto didn’t have the energy to acknowledge it.

He yawned and wiped his eyes with his fists to wake himself up properly.

“Who was it?” Kuroo asked, still wrapped up in the sheets.

“It’s Suga,” Bokuto said, and he saw how the name caused Kuroo to jolt properly awake. “He was worried because I didn’t answer his calls.”

Kuroo didn’t say anything. He was pretending to be asleep again, and Bokuto let him be. He couldn’t see any harm in letting Kuroo spend some time thinking alone. He slowly got dressed, waiting for Kuroo to quit the act and say something, but Kuroo remained quiet. He was already at the bedroom door, when Kuroo finally talked.

“You’re going to tell him I’m here,” Kuroo said.

His voice was muffled by all the beddings, which made it difficult for Bokuto to determine the tone of his voice.

“Should I not?” he asked.

Kuroo went unmoving again, and Bokuto wondered if he would get an answer at all. He waited, time stretched on, but finally Kuroo talked again.

“I don’t know,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto sighed, hoping that it was quiet enough for Kuroo to not catch it.

“What makes you unsure?” he asked. “He’s my friend.”

“That,” Kuroo mumbled. “He’s going to tell you I’m bad news.”

“No, he’s not,” Bokuto said. “And even if he did, I’ve already made up my mind.”

Kuroo shuffled with the sheets and his face emerged. It was sweaty and his cheeks were red.

“What have you decided?” Kuroo asked.

“That I’m going to stay with you,” Bokuto said. “I’m not going to suddenly drop you just because someone might tell me so.”

Kuroo looked at him for quite a while before turning around and returning under the sheets.

“Fine,” Kuroo said.

“What’s fine?” Bokuto asked.

There was no response. Bokuto stood there and waited, but Kuroo didn’t say anything more.

“What’s fine?” Bokuto tried again, but got no answer.

He stood for a while longer, then turned to the door.

“Come out when you feel like talking,” he said, then left the room.

Suga was playing on his phone when Bokuto entered the living room, but immediately looked up and smirked.

“So,” Suga said slowly. “Details.”

Bokuto sighed and sat down next to Suga. He probably should have gotten breakfast first, but he also didn’t feel like standing up again so soon.

“There are so many,” he said. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

“You met at the party, yeah?” Suga confirmed. “Who made the first move?”

Bokuto snorted.

“Yeah,” he said. “He made the first move. He was very insistent.”

“Ooh,” Suga swooned and leaned closer. “So he was very much into you then.”

Bokuto nodded and glanced towards the bedroom.

“Is he really hot?” Suga asked.

Bokuto couldn’t help smiling as he thought about Kuroo and how hot he was.

“Yeah,” he said. “Just my type.”

Suga giggled.

“I thought your type was simply Kuroo,” he said.

“Yeah,” Bokuto mumbled.

He didn’t know how much he could talk about Kuroo without making it awkward for Kuroo to face Suga. He wasn’t sure how to explain his decision to stay with Kuroo after the heartbreak without revealing too much about the hardship Kuroo had gone through.

“Well?” Suga asked impatiently. “You got laid, didn’t you?”

Bokuto smiled again, thoughts diverting back to the pleasant part of his reunion with Kuroo. His face heated up as he thought about how they had gone through his entire stash of condoms, although, to be fair, it hadn’t been a large stash.

“Yeah,” he said, turned to smile at Suga. “I did.”

“And?” Suga tried to entice him to talk.

“It was awesome,” Bokuto said and let out an uncharacteristic giggle. “He’s really… I really like him.”

“I kind of figured, since he’s still here,” Suga said and laughed. “And you look so happy! Is he someone I know? Well, how would you know that. What’s his name?”

Bokuto bit his lip. He was nervous, noticed that his palms were getting sweaty. There was no way to tell how Suga would react to finding out Bokuto had taken Kuroo home with him. He had been complaining about his broken heart for months, and it was obvious that Suga had determined that the best thing for him was to forget about Kuroo and try to move on. Yet here he was, back with his feelings for Kuroo flaming hot inside him, although the situation had changed from pining to fulfilment.

“Hello?” Suga asked and waved a hand in front of Bokuto’s face. “What’s his name?”

“It’s Kuroo,” Bokuto said.

Suga leaned back, eyes thin slits.

“You mean,” Suga said slowly, “that you happened to run into someone named Kuroo who also happens to be exactly your type?”

Bokuto bit his lip again, this time too fast, and flinched with the pain.

“No,” he said, feeling like he was getting a scolding from his mother. “I mean that it’s Kuroo Kuroo. Tetsurou.”

Suga’s brows shot up.

“He was there?” was the first question out of Suga’s mouth. “I didn’t see him.”

“Well, I did,” Bokuto mumbled and picked on the fabric of his sweatpants. “I couldn’t avoid seeing him. He bumped into me and spilled my drink.”

Suga burst to laughter.

“And you finally managed to confess?” he asked. “Despite failing for several years?”

Bokuto pouted.

“I guess I did,” he said. “I don’t remember exactly what I said. I guess I was a bit drunk.”

Suga was leaning closer again.

“Did you two talk about everything?” he asked, voice serious. “I mean, I don’t know the details, but the two of you didn’t talk for what, like a year?”

“More like six months,” Bokuto mumbled, then cleared his throat. “Yes, we did talk. And I… I understand what happened.”

“And you accept it?” Suga asked.

Bokuto nodded.

“Aren’t you angry?” Suga asked, and Bokuto shot a confused look his way. “You spent all those years thinking that he wouldn’t be interested, but now he’s in your bed. Isn’t it aggravating to think that you could have been lovers for such a long time?”

Bokuto let out a weird sound of relief when he understood that Suga meant to ask if he was angry with himself, not with Kuroo.

“I mean, yes,” he said. “And I feel so guilty because I could have been there for him when he needed me.”

Suga hummed in agreement, but also looked puzzled.

“After his injury,” Bokuto said, thinking as fast as he could to give out an explanation that wouldn’t immediately make it obvious how hard Kuroo had fallen. “He needed more than I gave him.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t hold it against you,” Suga said and placed a hand on Bokuto’s shoulder. “I mean, would he have come onto you if he was angry?”

Bokuto smiled thoughtfully.

“I guess not,” he said.

They heard a door close, and Bokuto lifted his head up to greet Kuroo. Suga squeezed his shoulder once more before dropping his hand. And then, Kuroo was standing in the doorway, looking embarrassed and hiding behind his arms. He was wearing his skinny jeans and the loose t-shirt he had been wearing in the party, and Bokuto couldn’t help glancing at Suga to see how he would react to Kuroo’s skinny form.

“Kuroo. It’s been a while,” Suga said with a blinding smile, not missing a beat.

Kuroo mumbled something in response. He looked ashamed, and Bokuto wished there was something he could do to help it.

“I didn’t have any other clothes,” Kuroo muttered.

“We’ll have to go get you some,” Bokuto said. “Let’s have some breakfast and then go.”

Kuroo looked uneasy, but nodded.

“I’ll walk with you,” Suga said, paying no mind to how Kuroo flinched at the suggestion. “You both look so tired, I’ll make breakfast.”

With that, Suga jumped off the couch and marched to the kitchen, stopping to pat Kuroo’s shoulder on the way.

“Good to see you again,” Suga said as he disappeared behind the corner.

Kuroo shuffled in place for a moment before walking over to the couch.

“He doesn’t hate me,” he said quietly, eyes turned to the floor.

“Of course he doesn’t,” Bokuto said and pat the couch next to himself.

Kuroo sat down, body stiff.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I was listening to what you were saying.”

Bokuto’s heart sank and he tried to remember every word that had been said.

“I’m sorry,” Kuroo said again. “I never thought about how you felt. And… I don’t want you to feel guilty.”

Bokuto smiled and pulled Kuroo into a hug.

“I can’t stop feeling the way I do,” he said.

“It was my fault,” Kuroo said. “I practically forced you to abandon me.”

Bokuto squeaked when he heard the word “abandon”, heart twisting in a way that had gotten familiar to him over the weekend.

“Don’t feel guilty,” Kuroo said again. “I don’t want you to feel like you owe it to me to be nice now.”

“I don’t feel that way,” Bokuto said, although he couldn’t be certain if it was the truth. “I really want to be with you from now on.”

He pulled back enough to look at Kuroo’s face. Kuroo’s eyes were redder than usual.

“I’m sorry I left,” Bokuto said. “I didn’t realise how much you needed me to stay.”

Before Kuroo could try to argue, Bokuto pulled him into a kiss. He licked over Kuroo’s lips before sucking Kuroo’s lower lip into his mouth, and Kuroo kissed him back.

“Now I need you more than I did before,” Kuroo said. “I don’t want to put such a burden on you.”

“It’s not a burden,” Bokuto said, knowing full well that it was a load, but it was one he was willing to carry. “I love you.”

Kuroo smiled, and Bokuto pulled him into a hug again. Kuroo smelled faintly of sex and sweat, and something familiar beneath it. Bokuto wished that they could stay like that forever, and that’s how Suga found them when he walked in to announce that breakfast was ready.

 

* * *

 

“Are you sure you'll be fine?” Bokuto asked for what must have been close to the hundredth time that morning. “If it's too much, we can ask Suga to hang out with you.”

“I'll be fine,” Kuroo said, once again, sounding just as irritated as he had the first time.

It's not that Bokuto didn't trust him, but he knew that Kuroo being annoyed at him for asking meant that Kuroo was nervous. It had been only a couple of days since Kuroo had shown up in his life again, and he didn't feel exactly confident about taking his new boyfriend to a volleyball practice.

“God, I could use a drink,” Kuroo muttered, and Bokuto pretended not to hear.

Kuroo hadn't touched alcohol in two days, and Bokuto wasn't sure how long it would continue. They hadn't talked much about Kuroo's struggles ever since the first day, so Bokuto didn't know how bad a problem alcohol was. Was it simply Kuroo escaping the realities of his life, or had it taken over? He didn't want to ask either, in the fear of coming off judgemental.

“We need to go,” Bokuto said.

Kuroo pushed himself up from the couch and walked over to the door without a word. He put on his shoes without a word. When he straightened his back, Bokuto took a hold of his hand and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Kuroo pulled his hand away and frowned.

“Let's just go,” he said, voice rough.

It was the first year after high school again, the few weeks after Kuroo's surgery when he had stopped contributing to their conversations and everything about his demeanour told Bokuto to back off. Bokuto's heart sank, but he swallowed down the lump in his throat. This was not the time to get selfish. Kuroo was afraid, and Bokuto would have to try to keep his emotions in check.

It didn't make it any easier to try to distract himself when Kuroo remained grumpy and silent all the way to the gym. He was keeping a physical distance between them, which felt odd after spending two days so closely intertwined, limbs tangling as they explored the newly found physical realm of their relationship. They had only left the bed when Suga visited, had only left the apartment to go visit Kuroo's dorm room for some clothes. Kuroo's roommate hadn't been there, and Bokuto could tell that secretly Kuroo had been pleased. Now, he couldn't tell what was going on with Kuroo. He hated feeling the same powerlessness he had felt back when Kuroo's knee was in constant pain and Kuroo only communicated in grunts. Bokuto wanted to help Kuroo find his strength again, but he didn't know how when Kuroo wouldn't let him know.

“What do you need?” Bokuto had asked a few times over the past two days, but all Kuroo ever said was “you.”

They arrived at the sports hall and walked in, then stopped. Bokuto turned towards Kuroo, who was stubbornly not looking at him. There was pain in Kuroo's eyes, and Bokuto wanted to reach out and wipe it away, he wanted to carry Kuroo over to feeling whole again, but he didn't know how.

“Are you sure you're fine?” he asked yet again.

This time Kuroo didn't say anything, merely turned his back and headed to the gym where Bokuto's team was going to practice.

“Are you going to disappear again?” Bokuto asked, voice too frail to be the man who was Kuroo's support.

Kuroo stopped.

“If you're going to leave me, please, tell me,” Bokuto said. “I can't handle losing you without warning.”

Kuroo stood still but didn't turn around. He then walked into the gym, turned towards the bleachers, and disappeared.

Bokuto remained on his spot, looking at the door Kuroo had walked through. He had a bad feeling about this. He should have insisted that Kuroo stay home. He shouldn't have taken Kuroo with him. He felt like the doorway had swallowed Kuroo, and even when he would go in to the gym himself, he would no longer see him. Kuroo was gone again.

“Bokuto!” Iwaizumi's voice cut through the air, making Bokuto jump.

He turned to his teammate and let himself be led away from the pain.

*

Bokuto's fears had come true; when he emerged from the locker room and into the gym, Kuroo was nowhere to be seen. He looked around the bleachers several times, but there was no sign of Kuroo's silly bed hair. He tried to calm down, to breathe deeply, but the lump in his throat wouldn't leave. He would have to come to terms with the fact that Kuroo was gone but doing it during practice was impossible.

Practice itself was impossible too. He couldn't get anything right, and quickly felt the familiar feeling of dejection creeping in. He had managed to kick it during his first year on the team, but now it was back with a vengeance.

“What's up with you?” Iwaizumi asked, but Bokuto could only shake his head.

He started missing the ball every time, and the coach finally told him to take a break. He dragged his useless body over to the side-lines, feeling the looks of his teammates on his back like daggers, and he couldn't blame them. He was, after all, a waste of space. Someone else should take his place in the team, someone better, someone stable and capable. He wiped his face with a towel, then heard a quiet whistle from the bleachers. He looked up to see Kuroo gesturing to him.

Without a word Bokuto hurried up to Kuroo, he tripped in the stairs but didn't let it stop him. He heard someone call his name, but nothing could have stopped him then.

“Hey,” Kuroo said when he approached. “Sit.”

Bokuto sat on the seat next to Kuroo, blinking in surprise.

“I thought you left,” he said, too loud, and heard his voice echo around them.

“I… I got sick,” Kuroo said, looking bashful. “I guess I was more nervous than I thought.”

“Are you okay?” Bokuto hurried to ask and took a hold of Kuroo's hands.

Kuroo's palms were sweaty and cold.

“I'm okay now,” Kuroo said. “I'm okay. But you're not. You're not focusing at all. And it's because you thought I left?”

Bokuto's lips trembled, and he nodded.

“I won't leave you,” Kuroo said. “I'm sorry I made you feel like I might.”

Bokuto didn't trust his voice to say anything, but he squeezed Kuroo's hands.

“I promise I'll work on it,” Kuroo said. “I don't know why it's so hard for me to talk when I'm nervous… or scared.”

“You should have told me you were scared,” Bokuto said. “I already figured you were, but I don't know how to help you if you don't tell me.”

Kuroo looked at the way their fingers were laced together.

“I know,” he said. “I'm sorry. It's hard.”

Bokuto sighed, the nervous lock finally releasing his body.

“I never realised how much I hurt you,” Kuroo said. “I… It's scary too, because right now you're all I have. I'm… I'm scared that I'll drive you away again.”

Kuroo's hands trembled.

“You won't,” Bokuto said. “For as long as we both learn to talk, we'll be fine.”

Kuroo smiled, the edge of it sad.

“Even if I stop talking to you,” he said, “please, remember that I love you and I never want to hurt you again. I know it's selfish, but if you can just bear with me for a while longer as I work out these issues, I'd really… well, frankly, I need it.”

Bokuto smiled.

“Sorry for being such a burden,” Kuroo added.

Bokuto leaned in to kiss him, but Kuroo backed away.

“I did throw up,” he pointed out. “I tried my best to wash my mouth, but I don't know if you want to kiss me.”

“I do,” Bokuto said.

And he did, although he kept it short and sweet.

 

* * *

 

 

“I'm…” Kuroo slurred again. “S– sorry.”

“It's okay,” Bokuto said again. “It's not your fault.”

“'m sor-ry,” Kuroo repeated.

He was leaning heavily on Bokuto, who took a better hold around his waist. Walking to the station had taken forever, but the train shouldn't take long to arrive. Bokuto dragged Kuroo to a bench and sat him down, then slumped onto the bench himself. Kuroo may have lost a lot of weight but half-carrying him around was hard work.

“So,” Kuroo mumbled and leaned his head on Bokuto's shoulder. “Sorry.”

Bokuto sighed. He didn't want to have a conversation when Kuroo was drunk. It would do no good. In fact, it might only end up aggravating him so much he'd come to resent Kuroo. He couldn't risk that happening.

He heard Kuroo smack his lips and turned to push him upright.

“Don't you dare fall asleep before we're home!” he said so loudly that the people on the opposing platform looked at them.

It didn't matter, because Kuroo looked more alert, although now he was back to slurring apologies.

Bokuto sighed again. He wished that Kuroo was less drunk, so the taxi would have taken them in. Well, he wished that Kuroo had drunk less just because. He also almost wished that he hadn't taken Kuroo with him, had worked harder to convince him to stay home with Suga. He wished that he had never stopped calling Kuroo, so he could have stopped Kuroo from sliding into the life of self-destruction.

He shook his head to chase the thoughts away. They were doing him no good. He had to focus. Kuroo was swaying even as he sat, but he didn't seem to be falling asleep. That was good. He wouldn't be able to carry a passed out Kuroo home. Although at least it would stop Kuroo from slobbering apologies. They were the most unhelpful thing about the entire situation.

“The train should arrive shortly,” Bokuto said. “We better get you up now.”

He stood up and turned to Kuroo, who was trying to make his body swing forward but only managed to lean back. Bokuto held out a hand, and Kuroo managed to take it on his second try. With two hands Bokuto finally pulled Kuroo up, although Kuroo immediately slumped against him.

“Don't your legs work at all?” Bokuto asked, frustrated at how heavy Kuroo was.

Kuroo said something, but Bokuto didn't understand. At least it wasn't an apology. Kuroo laughed bitterly, then burst to tears.

Bokuto panicked. Kuroo's sobs were loud and drawing too much attention. They might not be allowed in the train either if Kuroo didn't calm down. Bokuto caught what sounded like yet another apology.

“I told you it's fine,” he said, frustrated by how impatient his voice was. “Just calm down and we'll go home.”

Kuroo was pretty much hanging from his shoulders, and Bokuto wrapped his arms around him to stop him from sliding down to the floor. He wanted to cry too. He was tired and disappointed, sad, a tiny bit drunk, and he hated how angry he was. He shouldn't have been angry. It wasn't Kuroo's fault. It wasn't.

Even though it kind of was.

The train arrived and somehow Bokuto dragged Kuroo inside, letting him slump onto the closest seat. Kuroo was still sobbing loudly, face wet and red, snot running from his nose, but thankfully there was only one other person in the carriage. Bokuto smiled at him apologetically and received an understanding nod in return. He turned back to Kuroo to try to calm him down, but anything he said went unnoticed. Kuroo took a hold of the hem of his blazer, his pull so heavy Bokuto had to lean forward.

“We're almost home,” he mumbled, more to himself than Kuroo.

“Almost there,” he repeated when he was pulling Kuroo to the lift, and when he was dragging Kuroo down the hallway to their apartment door.

“You should sleep,” he said as he carried Kuroo to the bedroom and lowered him to the bed.

Bokuto turned to go close the door he had had to leave open to get Kuroo inside, but Kuroo took a hold of his clothes again.

“Don't leave me,” Kuroo sobbed, only somewhat understandable. “I'm sorry. Don't go.”

Bokuto wiggled out of his blazer, then his shirt to leave Kuroo grasping the fabric.

“I'm only going to close the door,” he said, somehow managing to keep his frustration hidden.

Kuroo screamed after him, but he ignored it. He slammed the door shut too loudly and knew that someone would complain. Kuroo was still screaming after him, but he was too tired. He was too tired to handle it.

Bokuto sat down on the sofa. Only the bedroom light was on, which gave the living room an eerie glow. Kuroo's voice was getting rough. He would stop soon enough. Bokuto wished that Kuroo was always quiet.

He shook his head and leaned it on his hands. He was just tired. Everything would look better in the morning. Everything… except the things that couldn't be fixed.

Kuroo's screams had quieted down, even his sobs were quieter. Bokuto didn't want Kuroo to fall asleep thinking that he had left, but he lacked the energy to face Kuroo's desperation. He leaned back and placed his head on the backrest. He didn't know if he could keep doing this much longer. He may have promised Kuroo to stay by his side and help him get through everything, but he hadn't realised how hard it would be. Kuroo could act like his normal self a significant amount of time, but underneath there was always the vast sorrow that Bokuto didn't know how to touch, that Kuroo tried his hardest to keep hidden even though it was clearly eating him up. The times when the sorrow took over were dramatic and draining for both of them, but Bokuto had found strength in the fact that Kuroo was learning to communicate better and had stopped pushing him away when he was sad.

But now, Bokuto had suddenly realised how deep those issues ran, and maybe Kuroo wasn't even willing to let go of them. Kuroo had talked to him about it once, had told him that it was difficult to learn to live differently after getting used to drowning out his feelings for so long. Bokuto could understand it, and he did worry that Kuroo sitting in on every volleyball practice was too much to bear, but he had seen no signs of Kuroo trying to escape the new reality of his life. Until tonight.

Kuroo had gone mostly silent, only occasionally hiccupping and muttering something. Bokuto really should go back before he fell asleep. Yet he moved no muscle. He needed some time alone to think, because he didn't know how to feel. His feelings were all jumbled up and messy, and he didn't understand them. He didn't know how to feel about Kuroo. He felt pity, but he was also angry and disappointed, and he didn't like those feelings. He was supposed to be Kuroo's support.

With a sigh he got up and headed back to the bedroom. He was too tired to think clearly, and judging by Kuroo's level of drunkenness, he would have plenty of time to think in the morning.

Kuroo's arm was hanging over the edge of the bed, hand still holding on to Bokuto's clothes. Bokuto bent down and pried the clothing off Kuroo's hand, then hung them in the closet. He took off his jeans and hung them up as well. He turned to Kuroo, whose hair was messier than usual.

Slowly Bokuto began undressing Kuroo, rolling him back and forth on the bed as he painstakingly got him down to his briefs. He was tired but stepped up to put Kuroo's clothes properly away. He then rolled Kuroo over to his side of the bed and climbed in.

“Koutarou?” Kuroo asked, sleepy and almost incomprehensible.

“I'm here,” Bokuto said.

He pulled the blanket over them.

“I love you,” Kuroo slurred, each word slow and heavy. “I'm sorry.”

“Go to sleep,” Bokuto replied.

He gathered Kuroo into his arms and closed his eyes.

“I'm sorry,” Kuroo managed once more, before his breathing turned heavy.

*

It was late afternoon when Kuroo emerged. He looked horrible with his red eyes, pale face, and hair sticking out everywhere.

“I need a drink,” Kuroo mumbled.

Bokuto flinched, but Kuroo didn't notice. He went out to the balcony and lit a cigarette.

It had been a few weeks since Kuroo's last smoke, and Bokuto worried that the previous night had triggered something bad in Kuroo. He had calmed down considerably after his conversation with Suga earlier that morning, but he couldn't completely shake the feeling that Kuroo's problems went deeper than he had anticipated. Or, maybe more accurately, he had been unable to imagine how difficult it was to deal with such a shattering change in life.

He had previously kept Kuroo's past life a secret from Suga, had only said that there where habits Kuroo needed to drop, but this morning he had told every little detail he knew, pouring out his heart to make the pain easier to handle.

“Do you love him?” Suga had asked.

“Yes,” Bokuto had responded without hesitation. “But I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle this. I thought I could do it because it's always been easy to deal with him, but I didn't realise how hard it would be. He's… I didn't know how badly it still hurts him.”

“He needs to find his place in life all over again,” Suga said. “And I know that you can help him with it. It's hard, but I'm sure you can do it.”

“What if I can't?” Bokuto asked. “What if I grow to hate him?”

“You won't,” Suga said. “With time he's going to get better. And you don't have to feel like you're trying to carry him all by yourself, because I'm here for you. I'll help you whenever you need it.”

Bokuto didn't know if Kuroo would appreciate the offer. Suga wasn't supposed to know the details, and Bokuto had broken Kuroo's trust by telling Suga everything. He watched Kuroo lean on the railing and smoke, back curving and his vertebrae creasing his shirt.

He imagined leaving Kuroo. He would tell Kuroo to leave, but where would he go? Kuroo hadn't officially moved out of the dorms yet, but he couldn't rely on that as an option because he was failing his studies. Kuroo couldn't afford to rent because he had no money. Bokuto had no idea how much Kuroo's parents knew about what had been going on, but knowing how distant they had always been, Kuroo might not want to go to them for help.

Bokuto didn't want to imagine it further. He knew that no matter how hard it was, he would never leave Kuroo. No matter how many mistakes Kuroo made, he would make his own mistakes and they would end up even. At one point in his life he would have to quit playing too, and then Kuroo would be there for him.

Kuroo left the balcony door open and stopped to stand a few steps away from the couch.

“Look,” he said, voice fragile. “I don't remember what happened last night, but I'm sure I need to apologise.”

Bokuto looked at him quietly. He hadn't decided how to handle the situation yet.

“Why do you think that?” he asked.

Kuroo shifted from one foot to the other.

“Well,” he said. “First of all, I clearly drank too much, which I apologise for. But I don't think getting drunk would make you look at me like that.”

Bokuto frowned. He didn't think he was looking at Kuroo in any special way.

“You look like you're disappointed in me,” Kuroo clarified.

Bokuto kept watching his face. Kuroo wasn't meeting his gaze.

“Do you want me to leave?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto didn't say anything, just watched how Kuroo's hair flopped down in an awkward way. Kuroo brought his hands together and fiddled with his fingers, then crossed one arm in front of himself, the other remaining straight and stiff. The silence went on, and Kuroo shifted. He looked uncertain of what to do with his body.

“Did I do something unforgivable?” Kuroo whispered.

Bokuto still wouldn't say a thing, and finally Kuroo glanced up.

“My answer to both of those questions is no,” Bokuto said.

Kuroo was looking at him from under his brows, eyes deeply distressed.

“Then what?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto didn't know, but he felt like he couldn't say that. Kuroo needed something stable, and uncertainty wasn't an option.

“I guess I just want to know why,” Bokuto finally said.

“Why what?” Kuroo asked, not looking any more at ease. “I can't remember what I did.”

Bokuto sighed.

“Do you want to know?” he asked.

Kuroo nodded, but was withdrawing again, eyes downcast and arms crossed tightly.

“You got absolutely wasted,” Bokuto said. “After you started drinking, you stopped caring about anything else but the alcohol, and that was already bad enough, but did you know that you're really obnoxious when you're absolutely shit faced? You were loudly hitting on pretty much every man in the room, explaining how your piercing makes blowjobs heavenly compared to what their girlfriends or wives can do.”

“Oh god,” Kuroo muttered, shoulders slumping like he was being publicly shamed.

“At least now I know exactly what you’re like when you’re drunk,” Bokuto said and sniffed. “I mean, were you really only pretending back when we met at the party? No one can pretend that well. How much of what you told me the next day was a lie?”

Kuroo let out a pained sound, and Bokuto's heart twitched in guilt. He had told Kuroo to forget about it, they had talked it through several times, yet here he was, bringing it up again just because he was a bit upset.

“Sorry,” he said. “I'm just so… I don't understand why you did all that. Am I not enough for you? Do you miss your sexual exploits so much?”

He had turned to staring at Kuroo's toes, and now that he looked up, he was surprised to see Kuroo shivering. He quickly got up and pulled Kuroo into his arms.

“Am I being unreasonable?” he asked against Kuroo's shoulder. “I don't know how to deal with things like this.”

“I didn't mean it,” Kuroo whispered.

“I know you didn't,” Bokuto said and stroked Kuroo's hair. “But I need to work with those people. I don't want them to see you the way you represented yourself last night. That's not the real you.”

“Did I ruin your reputation?” Kuroo asked, and Bokuto didn't like the note of fear in his voice.

“What reputation?” Bokuto asked. “I'm pretty sure they could tell how embarrassed I was.”

Kuroo sniffled.

“Are you worried they’ll shun you because of me?” he asked.

“What?” Bokuto backed away to get a good look at Kuroo. “Do you think I’m worried about myself? Did I make it appear that way? I’m worried about you, Tetsurou.”

Kuroo looked completely lost, but Bokuto felt just as lost himself.

“But you said you were embarrassed,” Kuroo mumbled.

“Well, I didn’t mean to imply…” Bokuto said and sighed.

He pulled Kuroo towards the couch and they sat down together. Bokuto turned to face his boyfriend, hands in his hands and his right leg brought up to the couch.

“I’m not good at these kinds of things,” Bokuto said. “You know that, don’t you? Maybe I don’t know the right words to say, but I’m worried about you.”

“Why?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto wanted to think that the question was a joke, and it pained him to know that Kuroo was genuinely not understanding.

“Why did you get so drunk?” he asked. “Is it something you can’t control? Do you need help with it?”

Kuroo lifted his head up properly and looked at Bokuto in amazement.

“Why does this surprise you?” Bokuto had to ask.

After their initial conversations when he and Kuroo got back together they hadn’t had a real talk about everything that had happened. He was starting to feel that it had been a big mistake; they should have talked it all out straight away.

“I…” Kuroo said, frowning at their hands. “I didn’t think it would matter? No one ever asked me before.”

“Why wouldn’t it matter?” Bokuto asked in return. “I promised to help you get your life back together, didn’t I?”

Kuroo nodded slowly.

“Of course it matters if it’s an issue you have,” Bokuto continued.

Unexpectedly, Kuroo burst to tears.

“What’s the matter?” Bokuto asked immediately.

He hated how lost he felt when Kuroo was feeling bad. He wanted nothing more than to know how to make things better. He didn’t want to see Kuroo cry ever again.

“I’m sorry I ruined your party,” Kuroo sobbed. “I just didn’t… I’m sorry.”

Bokuto squeezed his hands.

“Why are you apologising?” he asked. “You already apologised the entire way home.”

Kuroo looked at him with his miserable face, the tears glistening on his cheeks.

“I did?” he asked.

Bokuto nodded.

“But I don’t remember it,” Kuroo sobbed. “I need to remember to know that I… so you can really forgive me.”

“Don’t be silly,” Bokuto said. “I already forgave you last night.”

“But you don’t even know…” Kuroo said, then hiccupped and had to take a short break to breathe. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to inconvenience you.”

“What didn’t you tell me?” Bokuto asked, doing his best to sound soft and non-threatening.

“I didn’t want to lie,” Kuroo said, trying to make himself seem more adamant with the look in his eyes. “I just couldn’t bear the thought of you leaving me behind.”

“What are you talking about?” Bokuto asked.

Kuroo sniffled and clung to Bokuto’s hands as if Bokuto was trying to let go.

“It’s been really bad,” Kuroo said and sniffled loudly. “It’s been so hard seeing your practices and knowing that we used to play together like that… That I used to… I could be there with you. I could be doing the thing I loved.”

Bokuto bit his lip in the hopes that it would stop him from tearing up as well.

“You should have told me,” he said quietly, not even certain that Kuroo could hear it over his sobbing.

“I thought the party was fine,” Kuroo continued, “but when we got there I realised… it didn’t feel right to be there. You know, with all the people who abandoned me the moment I was no longer useful for the team. I mean, obviously it wasn’t literally the same people, but it… I felt like they were looking at me with pity.”

“You should have told me that too,” Bokuto said.

Kuroo looked at him.

“You were so happy,” he said. “You were socialising with all those people who are important to you. I couldn’t take that away from you.”

“Tetsurou–,” Bokuto started, but Kuroo interrupted him.

“So I figured maybe it will feel easier if I have a couple of drinks,” he said. “And it helped, it really did. But that’s why… Then I started thinking that if a bit of drinking makes it a bit easier, then maybe more drinking would make it much easier.”

“Well, I can see that,” Bokuto mumbled, then cleared his throat. “You shouldn’t use alcohol to cope.”

“I know,” Kuroo said. “I know and I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise,” Bokuto said. “I should be apologising for not paying more attention to you. Maybe if I had noticed that you weren’t feeling good, I could have helped.”

Kuroo shook his head. His sobs were calming down, but he was still squeezing Bokuto’s hands hard.

“It’s not your responsibility,” he said.

“Maybe not completely,” Bokuto said. “But isn’t it something you’re supposed to do for your boyfriend?”

Kuroo looked at him for a moment, then shook his head.

“I don’t remember much else,” he said. “Just that at one point when it was getting nice, I thought that I should try to mingle, and then I remember thinking what a good thing it is that you’re a professional athlete so everyone’s really fit, but I don’t remember… I don’t know why I went around saying the things I said.”

Bokuto nodded.

“It’s not like I don’t appreciate you,” Kuroo said. “There’s nothing wrong with you, and I am perfectly satisfied with you. Please, you have to believe me. I don’t want anyone else but you.”

“Tetsurou,” Bokuto said to stop Kuroo from continuing. “I do believe you. You don’t need to prove it to me in any way.”

Kuroo’s eyes filled with tears again.

“Don’t cry,” Bokuto said and let go of one of Kuroo’s hands to stroke his temple. “You’ll get a headache.”

“I already have a headache,” Kuroo said and laughed sadly. “I’m hungover.”

Bokuto smiled.

“Try to calm down,” he said. “Should you go back in bed?”

Kuroo shook his head, but then seemed to hesitate.

“Will you come with me?” he asked then.

“Sure,” Bokuto said with a smile. “But let me get you something to eat first.”

Kuroo went to the bathroom to wash his face, while Bokuto prepared something to eat. They sat by the dining table, eating in silence, but it didn’t weigh heavily over them. It was starting to feel just like usual, and Bokuto hoped that Kuroo had truly calmed down. He then thought about Suga.

“Oh,” he said. “I should probably tell you something.”

Kuroo lifted his head up from watching his food.

“I…” Bokuto started but had to take a break before he could bring himself to say it. “I told Suga everything. I’m sorry.”

Kuroo looked at him emotionless, perfectly still for the moment. He then turned his eyes down, and slowly his head followed.

“Did he tell you to get away from me?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto wanted to break down when he heard how serious Kuroo was.

“No,” he said and tried to keep breathing calmly. “He told me that he’ll help me when I feel overwhelmed.”

Kuroo peeked at him and was clearly suspicious.

“He wants to help you too,” Bokuto said. “But I am sorry that I told him without your permission.”

Kuroo stirred the food on his plate.

“So,” he said slowly. “You didn’t really forgive me last night? You were still so angry this morning you had to vent?”

There was a lump in Bokuto’s throat, and he couldn’t trust himself to speak. He sat still, staring at Kuroo, hoping that somehow his thoughts could reach Kuroo without having to communicate them. His eyes were stinging, and when his lips started to shake, he stood up and left. He went out to the balcony and sat down on the floor in the most secluded corner. He was still trying his best to swallow down the sorrow that kept trying to push out, but eventually he gave up and let the tears flow.

It was getting windy, and the tears cooled down his burning cheeks. The fact that he had just walked away from Kuroo again when he was supposed to be the support made him only cry harder. He was too weak to help anyone. He couldn’t even keep his composure.

Maybe Kuroo would leave now. He must have gotten enough of Bokuto’s weakness and how he always said the wrong thing. He had made Kuroo feel like he was upset about what had happened because of his own reputation. How couldn’t he convey his emotions better? He was no good with people, and it was a miracle he had friends at all. It was even a bigger miracle that he had a boyfriend, although that was bound to change soon enough. How had he imagined that he could somehow help Kuroo?

He heard Kuroo’s soft footsteps and turned his head towards the wall. He couldn’t let Kuroo see him like this. He couldn’t let his emotional fragility disillusion Kuroo.

Somehow, he managed to stay perfectly quiet while Kuroo walked over to him and sat down next to him on the floor.

“Are you angry?” Kuroo asked.

The question took him by such surprise that Bokuto turned to look at Kuroo, face wet with tears and snot running down to his lips. Kuroo’s face went from distressed to surprised, then softened into what Bokuto had learned to read as love.

“Why are you sitting here crying?” Kuroo asked, then looked taken aback. “Did I upset you?”

Bokuto shook his head.

“Why do you always come after me when I leave?” he asked, words slurring funnily as he tried to stop crying.

Kuroo looked at him for a moment, eyes scanning his entire face. Then he reached out to swipe a strand of hair off Bokuto’s forehead.

“Because you’re all I have,” he said. “Because I know you walk away for a reason. Because I love you.”

Bokuto sniffled but couldn’t help the snot that had already ran down his face. He wished that he’d had the oversight to bring a tissue with him.

“Why don’t you want to cry in front of me?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto stared at him dumbly for a few moments.

“Because I’m supposed to support you,” he said. “I’m supposed to be strong.”

Kuroo snorted, then waved apologetically.

“Koutarou, you’re forgetting that I know you,” he said. “I know how delicate your emotions can be. And I would never expect you to push aside your own problems just for me.”

Bokuto sniffled.

“I called Suga because I’m tired,” he said, the sobs getting harder again. “I’m trying my hardest, but I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to help you.”

“You’ve been doing perfectly well,” Kuroo said and shifted to sit closer. “I don’t want you to feel burdened with me. I’m… I’m glad you were able to talk to someone.”

Bokuto sniffled. Kuroo took a hold of his left hand with both hands.

“I’m sorry I brought so many issues into your life,” Kuroo said. “I guess… I feel like I’m only good for sex.”

Bokuto jolted with Kuroo’s words so hard that his hand slipped out of Kuroo’s hold. His tears were gone, and very quickly the sorrow he had felt was replaced by anger.

“Don’t talk like that about yourself!” he said to Kuroo, whose eyes widened. “Just because you now have some physical limitations you haven’t suddenly lost everything you know! Your worth isn’t only in your body and how capable it is. How can you even suggest something like that?”

Kuroo’s mouth had opened too, but he didn’t say anything.

“Don’t you ever think about yourself like that again,” Bokuto said, leaning closer to Kuroo. “You. Matter. You are good for anything you want, even if it is only within the limits of your new boundaries.”

Kuroo swallowed.

“You have that much faith in me?” he asked quietly.

“Of course!” Bokuto said. “You can do anything.”

Kuroo surged forward and pulled him into a kiss. It was wet and awkward, but it felt better than anything right at that moment.

When Kuroo pulled away, he was smiling.

“Go wash your face, Koutarou,” he said. “I’m not a big fan of tasting your snot.”

Bokuto’s cheeks immediately heated up as he remembered what a mess his face must have been.

“Then meet me in the bedroom,” Kuroo said. “I’ll show you just what I can do.”

Kuroo got up and headed to the door, but Bokuto was still sitting on his place. Kuroo turned to look at him in question.

“I did tell you,” Bokuto asked, slightly uncertain, “that you’re good for more than sex?”

Kuroo laughed.

“Yes,” he said. “But all I want to do right now is to fuck you so hard the neighbours will complain.”

With a silly wink of his eye, Kuroo went back inside. Bokuto hurried to follow.

 

* * *

 

“I’m home!” Bokuto greeted the empty apartment.

In a funny way he felt that the walls responded to him, the rooms were suddenly more alive. He was exhausted and let his gear bag drop heavily onto the floor as he tried to get his shoes off without having to move his body too much. A smile kept creeping onto his face after the victory.

When the shoes were finally off, Bokuto headed to the couch and slumped into its soft embrace. He sighed in relief, thought that he should take a hot shower to help his muscles relax, and – once again – dreamed of a bathtub filled with steaming water, how it would caress his body and open the knots in his back. Maybe one day, maybe one day.

The game had been brutal on his body, but it had all been worth it once they got the last point. He had been in a good flow throughout the game and had managed to avoid the pitfalls that used to be so dangerous to his mood. He smiled to himself, thinking about how far he had gotten.

He was reliving the game in his head, drifting off, then waking up to realise his thoughts had slipped into a dream world, and focused for a moment longer before drifting off again. This continued for quite some time, and he was almost completely asleep by the time the lock rattled and the door opened.

“Welcome home,” Bokuto mumbled, still unsure whether he was asleep or awake.

“I’m home,” Kuroo called from the door. “I wish I could have been here to greet you!”

Bokuto heard shuffling, and soon Kuroo’s footsteps approached. Kuroo stopped right behind the sofa.

“You won,” Kuroo said. “Congratulations.”

Bokuto smiled sleepily and made a thumbs-up motion without properly lifting his arm.

“Aww, you’re exhausted,” Kuroo said.

He rounded the sofa, lifted Bokuto’s legs out of the way, and sat down. Bokuto felt nice having Kuroo holding his legs, and he found it difficult to keep his eyes open.

“How was practice?” Bokuto managed to ask, then yawned and rubbed his eyes to keep them open.

“It was fine,” Kuroo said, hands trailing over Bokuto’s legs. “We got a new kid. He wants to be a setter, but I think he would be better as a wing spiker.”

Bokuto hummed to show that he wasn’t asleep, even though his eyes had fallen shut again. He forced them open.

“What about your leg?” he asked.

“It’s better,” Kuroo said. “I just need to remember to take it easy, and it should be fine.”

“Don’t overdo it,” Bokuto mumbled, then flinched awake. “I’m worried you’ll do more damage to your leg.”

Kuroo smiled, a spark in his eye.

“I’ll be careful,” he said.

He then shifted to sit sideways and bent Bokuto’s legs a bit.

“Let me massage you,” he said.

Bokuto’s face melted into a smile.

“Give it to me good,” he said, tiredness slurring his words a bit.

Kuroo laughed. He took off Bokuto's socks and dropped them to the floor.

“No,” Bokuto objected weakly. “My feet are sweaty.”

“Never mind that,” Kuroo responded.

He took one foot in his hands and started rubbing the sole with his thumbs. Bokuto groaned and relaxed.

“What did I do so right to deserve you?” Bokuto mumbled.

Kuroo sniggered and continued rubbing the foot, up from the heel and over each toe. Bokuto sighed, but he wasn't quite as tired anymore. His eyelids were still a bit heavy but feeling Kuroo's hands on his skin was rousing interest that kept him from slipping into a dream again. Kuroo's fingers were firm and slowly worked over the top of his foot until reaching his ankle, where they stopped. Kuroo shifted his attention to the other foot and repeated the thorough massage. Bokuto had never gotten a foot rub before, but he was enjoying it a lot. It was relieving some of the tension stress had deposited in his body, and he felt like he was slowly melting into the soft couch cushions. He looked at Kuroo's concentrated face with a fond smile.

When Kuroo had reached the ankle again, he lifted the foot up and kissed the arch of it with soft lips.

“Do you have a foot fetish I wasn't aware of?” Bokuto asked with a soft laugh.

Kuroo smirked and shook his head, then lifted the second foot up to his lips, this time kissing Bokuto's big toe.

“I love you,” Kuroo said, voice quiet but filled with emotion.

Bokuto smiled. For a brief moment he remembered the day when Kuroo had bumped into him at a party and begged Bokuto to take him home. He had, but only now did he feel like Kuroo was home for real. Kuroo no longer had his tongue piercing but had gotten his left nipple pierced after they had watched porn together and seen a guy with a pierced nipple. Bokuto fondly remembered how Kuroo had laughed when he had admitted that he was too afraid of the pain to get a piercing. It hadn't been a mean laugh, it had been Kuroo's laugh, the laugh that was filled with understanding and acceptance. His thoughts drifted to the other piercing they had been discussing, for Kuroo's belly button, once again inspired by seeing it on another guy. Kuroo had said that he was ready to take all the pain necessary so Bokuto didn't have to get too close to needles. If he remembered correctly, Kuroo had then proceeded to fuck him so hard he came untouched.

“Man, I love you so much,” he mumbled. “Tetsurou. I want to marry you.”

Kuroo looked at him with an unreadable smile for a moment before saying anything.

“Was that supposed to be a proposal?” he asked then.

Bokuto nodded. There was no doubt about how badly he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Kuroo Tetsurou.

Kuroo lifted Bokuto's right leg up and kissed the inside of his ankle.

“We should probably start saving for rings then,” he said.

Bokuto bounced up in excitement.

“We should!” he said. “I want to marry you, Tetsurou!”

Kuroo smiled, let go of Bokuto's feet and leaned in to kiss his fiancé on the lips.

“I always dreamed of putting a ring on you,” he whispered, lips brushing against Bokuto's.

“You make it sound like were talking about cock rings,” Bokuto protested.

Kuroo snorted.

“You'd like that, wouldn't you,” he said.

Bokuto smiled widely, leaving his stance up to Kuroo's imagination.

“Let's go to bed,” Kuroo said and got up.

“That's a direct approach,” Bokuto stated and blinked.

Kuroo turned to look at him with a chastising frown.

“For the massage”, he said, then smirked. “And maybe something more.”

With that Kuroo turned and headed to the bedroom, leaving Bokuto to scramble up and hurry after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One thing I didn't get to explore is bokusuga friendship! They're going to the same gym and that's how they met after Suga moved to Tokyo, but I would have really liked to see more of them. But also I don't want it enough to write it ahaha. Anyway, Kuroo eventually starts going to the gym with them and he becomes good friends with Suga too. When Bokuto and Kuroo get married Suga is Kuroo's bestman (Iwa is Bokuto's).
> 
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